Bitter Sweet

Exactly two weeks ago today my sister in law gave birth to my beautiful niece Trinity. That day was bitter sweet for me. You see my sis in law and I found out we were pregnant around the same time. I took a test about a week before she did and they were one of the first people we called to tell. About a week later she called and said you are never going to believe this I just took a pregnancy test and it's positive! The squeals of excitement could be heard for miles away. We began talking about how much fun it was going to be being pregnant together and all of the things we were going to do. The next day her and her husband, who is my husbands brother, came over for dinner. We talked about the symptoms we were already having and ate more food than an army would have. As they were leaving we said our usual goodbyes, but this time everyone was so much more emotional. We were going to become mothers and aunts basically at the same time!
One week later she had her first doctors appointment and I began miscarrying. I began having cramps a few days earlier but I just refused to believe there was something wrong. It was on a Wednesday around noon and I was on my lunch break. I had gone to the park as usual and was just sitting in my car praying for the cramps to stop. It hurt so bad. My phone rang and it was my sister in law. She had gone to her first appointment and had called to tell me all about it. You no all of the first doctor appointment fun stuff like how far along she was and how fast the babies heart was beating. I just sat there and listened. I didn't want to ruin her excitement so I sat quietly as she told her me all of the details. Then she asked how I was doing and when I was going to the doctor. I said fine and in a few days. We said our goodbyes and I hung up and began crying. I knew my first appointment wasn't going to be like it should be. I sat a little longer in my car and then I headed off to run a few errands for my boss. By the time I got to my first stop I was in so much pain I could barely walk. I finally decided that I needed to find a restroom. I locked myself in the bathroom stall and sat down on the toilet and that's when my biggest fear was confirmed. There was blood everywhere. Of course I freaked out. To this day I don't no if I actually screamed out loud or not. I somehow managed to find my way out of the bathroom and building where I was then able to frantically call my husband. I don't remember much of our conversation. All I no is I managed to get out miscarriage and emergency room.
The rest is pretty much a blur. I no we waited for what seemed like forever in the ER. I no that I was in terrible pain. It felt like labor pains without the happy ending. I remember the exam and the doctor telling me what was happening. I remember looking at Steven and seeing pain and disappointment written all over his face. There really wasn't much to be done. I wasn't really that far along so the doctor said I more than likely wouldn't need a D&C. He said my body would "get rid" of everything naturally. Get rid of everything naturally? Seriously? Where did he get his bedside manner? Then I was given a piece of paper that explained what was happening to me. I think it was title something like "spontaneous abortion." Nice. Do these people not realize they are talking about my unborn child??? My baby that we were already dreaming about meeting??? I kept telling myself and Steven "well at least it happened now and not later when I was further along." Did I really feel that way? Nope. I just kept thinking if I say it out loud I will feel better. As the days and weeks passed, I kept asking myself am I aloud to mourn? I mean after all my baby was smaller than the size of a pea and I hadn't even got to hear the heartbeat. So was I really even considered pregnant? All of these thoughts were consuming my mind. On the outside I appeared fine, but on the inside I was a mess. To make matters worse every week I got the weekly update on my sister in laws pregnancy. How perfect everything was going and how excited they were. I felt resentful. Why did she get to keep her baby and I didn't? Then I would feel guilty for thinking that way. I mean what kind of person was I anyways? This was my sister in law and unborn niece we were talking about!! It was a no win situation. So I just started to distance myself. I felt like I had no choice.
So two weeks ago was very bitter sweet. When I got to hold my niece for the first time almost all of the bitter feelings went away. I was filled with joy and excitement. However I still felt a sense of lost and sadness. It made me wonder what would he/she have looked like? What would we have named him/her? What would the nursery have looked like? Which outfit would we have taken the baby home in? Do these thoughts ever go away?? They are on the backburner of my mind most days, but I still have my moments. I don't know if it will ever get any easier.....