Confessions

Ok so I am pretty much the most terrible person in the world. Or at least that is the way I feel. A little over a year ago I had a miscarriage. At the same time my sister in law found out she was pregnant as well and went on to give birth to my beautiful neice. How does this make me a terrible person you ask? Well we are babysitting my neice and nephew this weekend and I can't help have feelings of hurt and anger when I see this beautiful child. Isn't that just wrong??? I feel like crap for feeling this way. I'm not personally angry at her at all. I love her and enjoy spending time with her. However last nite I found myself unable to cope with my feelings. I became upset and overwhelmed with guilt that I was feeling this way. It got so bad at one point that I was in tears and screaming at my husband for no apparant reason. He looked at me baffled and had no idea what was wrong with me. To make it even worse you no what I said? I told him to just go away and that he hadn't been the one who had had three miscarriages. That didn't go over so well. Once I had a minute to calm dow I realized how utterly stupid I was being and that yes my husband had suffered three miscarriages rite along with me. Boy did I feel like a real putz. Luckily I have the most forgiving husband on the planet (in my biased opinion anyways) and he didn't stay mad at me long. He knows just when to step in and let me have a little time to regroup. He immediately took over with the kids and told me to go relax in a hot bath. Yes I feel very lucky to have married this man. So this morning I am feeling alot better about things. It is so strange how these emotions come in waves. They lay dormant for months at a time and then without a moments notice they rear their ugly head. Will it ever get better?
(sidenote: sorry for any misspellings....I am writing this from my cell phone and my back button is stuck so I can't fix things.)