What does "In Love" really mean?

Trust me this question has been tossed around between my husband and I ALOT the past several days.  What does it really mean to be "in love" with someone?  Is it defined by the giddy feeling you get when you see that special person?  Is it when you feel butterflies in your stomach? Is it when you sit up all night with them while they are sick and throwing up?  Is it when you listen to their goofy (somewhat boring) stories over and over again just because?  Is it when you kiss them and feel light headed and dizzy? I mean the list could go on and on and on...
I guess you could say i'm doing some soul searching.  To me being in love is a combination of all of those things plus some.  What does it mean to you guys?

Bubble Time!

A few months ago my nephew who is three and my son took a bath together with the "bubble machine" as they like to call it.  It's actually this really cool contraption that I found at a garage sale.  It is supposed to be a "spa" for the tub but we use it to make an enormous amount of bubbles! 

Where's Waldo?

They were having so much fun!

Alex thought the more bubbles that were on his face the better!

Bubble Monster!

Prayer Request

Please say a prayer for these children and families.  There has been an outbreak of bacterial menengitits at an elementary school in Oolagah, Oklahoma which is about 30 minutes North of where I live and two children have already died.  When I hear stories like this it ALWAYS hits close to home.

I love this face!

I love this sweet face!

He always makes me smile!

His sweet smile melts my heart!

Since the day he was born he stole my heart! He is 100% a mama's boy although in a few years I suspect that statement will really embarass him.  For now though he is my baby. My parnter in "crime"!  I love you Boogey!

Spell Check! Calling Mr. Spell Check!

First off thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. You have know idea how much it means!  Today is a better day. I guess I have had a few days to digest everything and I don't feel so shell shocked. I was re-reading my last few posts yesterday afternoon and I just couldn't figure out what was wrong or missing. I knew that when I was typing the word "graphic" that it just didn't look quite rite but I was just not in the mood to dwell on it if you know what I mean.  By the way...what happened to the spell check on here???  I can't find that option ANYWHERE!  Anyway I woke up in the middle of the night last nite and was like oh no. Oh no!! I misspelled graphic.  Really? How can I be worried at 1:00 a.m. that I misspelled a word on my blog.  I'm pretty sure you guys weren't worrying about it!  So the first time I spelled it "graffic" like traffic with a G and the second time I spelled it "grafic" like I was trying to figure out why it looked so weird but just couldn't.  After everything that is going on in my life rite now THIS is what woke me up straight out of bed.  Ok so this is just a random and kinda pointless post but I think it's just what I needed!  I'm still calling for that Mr. Spell Check...where did he go?!

We have come to the conclusion

 So my husband and I have been talking ALOT lately.  We have been disecting our marriage trying to figure out how in the world we have gotten to this point.  How did it happen? When did it happen? How are we going to fix  it?  All of these questions have been swirling in my mind the past couple of days over and over again.  I can't eat or sleep.  I just want to curl up in a tiny ball and go to sleep and hope that when I wake this is all just a bad dream.  I know that isn't going to happen though and that I have to deal with this head on otherwise it won't get better.  It will only get worse and then it may not even be fixable.  How did we end up here? How can two perfectly happy people who want to spend the rest of their lives together end up here??  Why?  I know marriage is hard work and there are ups and downs. I knew that at some point one of us would be unhappy and would need the other one to carry us through.  Am I strong enough to carry my husband through this? I just don't know.  I would like to think that I am, but at the moment I don't feel very strong. I feel weak and sad.  My husband is such a kind person and doesn't like to say or do anything that will hurt someone else.  It's almost to the point where it is a fault of his.  So instead of coming to me months ago and talking to me about his feelings he just pretended that everything was ok.  I guess he hoped that it would get better and that his feelings would change.  He just simply did not want to hurt me by telling me the truth about how he was feeling towards me and now we are in trouble.  I knew something was wrong and off. I just never imagined it would be this.  I basically begged him to tell me what was going on. I told him that it might hurt me but lying would hurt me worse.  No there has been no affair or anything like that. Not yet anyway.  I'm not saying my husband is the type of person who cheats, but I think everyone is capable of it given the right situation.  So after alot of begging and pleading he finally broke down in tears and told me "I'm not in love with you anymore."  He said he loves me but isn't "in love" and hasn't been for quite some time now.  He said it feels like he is living with his best friend.  So you can only assume from there that all physical attraction is gone as well.  When I asked him if he was sexually attracted to me anymore the answer was no.  Talk about feeling like a hundred knives were being stabbed into my heart.  I think that was the hardest thing to hear.  I already knew the answer before I asked because of certain things that had happened.  I won't go into grafic detail here, but you can probably guess.  Let's just say his tools won't work sometimes because it's just simply NOT there for him anymore.  It's all gone.  How did this happen??? How do we fix it?? Neither one of us want to throw in the towel on our marriage.  Divorce is not even on the table but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared shitless that it may happen.  We are definitely open to marriage counseling but unfortunately rite now we just can't afford it because of him losing his job.  To top it all off my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother again have pretty much been put on the back burner for good.  I mean first off it's kinda hard to make a baby with broken tools and secondly is it fair to even think about bringing a baby into a broken marriage?  Just think a few days ago my biggest concern was infertility (not making light of infertility at all but to me that seems like something I can wrap my arms around).  So that is the conclusion that we have come to and we have no idea what to do now.  At least it's out in the open and that in itself makes me feel a little better. 

I feel lost

I have been up half the night trying to decide whether or not to share this with everyone.  Not that I have a huge reader base but still this is kinda private.  However, I always feel better when I write down what i'm thinking and feeling.  I could also use a few prayers!  My husband and I are having some major problems and to be honest with you I have NO idea what to do.  I'm feel so lost and sad.  I love him with all of my heart and soul.  He is my soulmate if you believe in that sort of stuff.  I have known that things have been off for quite some time. I just didn't know what exactly was wrong.  I could just FEEL that something was going terribly wrong yet no matter how hard I tried to wrap my arms around the problem I just kept slipping.  We were holding hands at one point on this journey and now I feel like he has let my hand go and i'm lost like a little kid in a huge amusement park.  What do I do? We have been married almost two years and together for almost five.  We have been friends for eight years and to be honest I can't imagine my life without him.  Yet I feel like he is already gone.  I won't go into graffic details yet as to what has been discussed or said but let me tell you it's NOT good.  It also has NOTHING to do with the way I feel but how he feels. Not good I tell ya.  I know marriage is hard and you have to fight.  I also know that at any given point one of you can fall "out of love".  I have always told Steven that we can't both fall out of love at the SAME time.  Don't you think that is just a recipe for disaster? 
I am praying that we can soldier through this rough patch and come out a stronger and healthier couple.  At the moment though i'm just so uncertain and feel very lost.