Wednesday, March 10, 2010

We have come to the conclusion

 So my husband and I have been talking ALOT lately.  We have been disecting our marriage trying to figure out how in the world we have gotten to this point.  How did it happen? When did it happen? How are we going to fix  it?  All of these questions have been swirling in my mind the past couple of days over and over again.  I can't eat or sleep.  I just want to curl up in a tiny ball and go to sleep and hope that when I wake this is all just a bad dream.  I know that isn't going to happen though and that I have to deal with this head on otherwise it won't get better.  It will only get worse and then it may not even be fixable.  How did we end up here? How can two perfectly happy people who want to spend the rest of their lives together end up here??  Why?  I know marriage is hard work and there are ups and downs. I knew that at some point one of us would be unhappy and would need the other one to carry us through.  Am I strong enough to carry my husband through this? I just don't know.  I would like to think that I am, but at the moment I don't feel very strong. I feel weak and sad.  My husband is such a kind person and doesn't like to say or do anything that will hurt someone else.  It's almost to the point where it is a fault of his.  So instead of coming to me months ago and talking to me about his feelings he just pretended that everything was ok.  I guess he hoped that it would get better and that his feelings would change.  He just simply did not want to hurt me by telling me the truth about how he was feeling towards me and now we are in trouble.  I knew something was wrong and off. I just never imagined it would be this.  I basically begged him to tell me what was going on. I told him that it might hurt me but lying would hurt me worse.  No there has been no affair or anything like that. Not yet anyway.  I'm not saying my husband is the type of person who cheats, but I think everyone is capable of it given the right situation.  So after alot of begging and pleading he finally broke down in tears and told me "I'm not in love with you anymore."  He said he loves me but isn't "in love" and hasn't been for quite some time now.  He said it feels like he is living with his best friend.  So you can only assume from there that all physical attraction is gone as well.  When I asked him if he was sexually attracted to me anymore the answer was no.  Talk about feeling like a hundred knives were being stabbed into my heart.  I think that was the hardest thing to hear.  I already knew the answer before I asked because of certain things that had happened.  I won't go into grafic detail here, but you can probably guess.  Let's just say his tools won't work sometimes because it's just simply NOT there for him anymore.  It's all gone.  How did this happen??? How do we fix it?? Neither one of us want to throw in the towel on our marriage.  Divorce is not even on the table but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared shitless that it may happen.  We are definitely open to marriage counseling but unfortunately rite now we just can't afford it because of him losing his job.  To top it all off my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother again have pretty much been put on the back burner for good.  I mean first off it's kinda hard to make a baby with broken tools and secondly is it fair to even think about bringing a baby into a broken marriage?  Just think a few days ago my biggest concern was infertility (not making light of infertility at all but to me that seems like something I can wrap my arms around).  So that is the conclusion that we have come to and we have no idea what to do now.  At least it's out in the open and that in itself makes me feel a little better. 
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