A Sign

It was about 9:00 p.m. and I had gone to the grocery store with Alex. We had navigated each aisle of the store making sure we didn't forget anything and by the time we reached the check out counter I was exhausted. So we checked out and headed out the door. I was in a hurry because a storm was headed right towards us and I wanted to make it home before it started pouring down rain. I walked through the automatic doors pushing the very heavy and awkward cart while Alex went thru the manual doorway. Their was an elderly lady walking behind me with her bags of groceries. I really wasn't paying much attention to her because I was trying to hustle Alex along. Next thing I hear is change falling to the ground so I looked over only to see that this poor little lady had dropped her change purse. ALL of her change had dumped onto the ground. I shouted out to Alex to wait on me and he came running over to see what was going on. He sees this lady struggling with her sacks of groceries while attempting to bend over to pick up the mess. So he decided he would be a little gentleman and go help her. He picked up every last piece of change and put it back into her purse and then handed it to her and said "here you go ma'am". She looked at him with such appreciation and then looked at me. (I'm thinking ok what alien just took over my kids body?!)
Our conversation went something like this:
She says "What did you say his name was?" At this moment I notice that she has tears in her eyes.
I said "His name is Alex."
She paused for a moment and then says "That was my husbands name." From the way she said it I am assuming that he just recently passed away.
Then she went on to say "Isn't this a sign from him or what?!"

She said thank you once again and we just smiled at each other and went on our way. I thanked Alex for helping her and made a huge deal out of his kindness. He asked me "Mom what did she mean isn't this a sign?" I said "Well her husband's name was Alex and I think he must have died recently. She must have felt that he was hear with her in spirit and was giving her a sign to let her know." He was satisfied with my answer and we carried on with our trip home. While I was driving I got to thinking about names. I don't no any elderly person with the name Alex. Then I got to thinking wow that really was a sign from her husband! It was one of the neatest experiences I have had in a long time. I can only hope that the nice lady at the grocery store found some comfort in knowing that her husband may not be here physically but he certainly hasn't left her all alone!

My Friday Rant!

I work at a small law firm as a paralegal/everything else. Part of my job entails answering the phone. Most of the time answering the phone is no big deal and can actually be kind of fun. HOWEVER there are those calls out there that drive me crazy. It's the sneaky telemarketers. You know the one's that try to trick you into thinking they are maybe an actual client or even a personal friend of whomever they are calling??! Here is how my conversation went with one today:
Me: Law office (this is my standard way of answering the phone)
Sneaky guy: Hello! Is Joe Bob there?!
Me: No he's not in at the moment may I take a message?
Sneaky guy: Ya this is Ron! (sounding like he is Joe Bob's long lost best friend from grade school)
Me: Ok Ron what?
Sneaky guy: Ron
Me: (I'm getting annoyed at this point) Ok RON. Will Joe Bob no what it is regarding?
Sneaky guy: Ummm no actually this is my first time to call.
Me: Oh ok (I got kind of excited thinking he might have a new case) Do you have a new case or legal issue?
Sneaky guy: Ummm no.
Me: (I'm thinking should I just hang up or get his number??) What is your call back number (which is happened to be local. Even more sneaky)
Sneaky guy: 555-1234
Me: Ok is there anything else
Sneaky guy: oh yes, my extension....

Rite then I knew for sure what I had expected about 1 minute into the conversation that he a telemarketer. I really HATE dealing with them. I no they are just doing their job but it is still so damn annoying. I have even had one guy about a year ago call ME back yelling at me because I hung up on him. WTF??? Since when is it good business to call a potential customer back and yell at them??
Ugh! Anyways just needed a little blog therapy while i'm waiting on 5 o'clock to get here. Have a great weekend!

Infertility

I have been really hesitant to post about this subject. I guess a part of me doesn't want to even say the word out loud. You no the dreaded thing called infertility. I haven't been told by a doctor that I can't have anymore children but I am obviously having trouble getting pregnant. My dh and I have been trying for over a year now and still no luck. Actually I did get pregnant awhile back but I had a miscarriage. Even though I wasn't that far along it was definitely the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Not only was it physically painful it was also very emotional. I can't put into words how it made me feel. To look over at Steven's face when the doctor told me I was miscarrying and see the pain and hurt in his eyes was almost unbearable. Let alone the disappointment. However we made a pact with one another that we wouldn't let it get us down and that all we could do was keep trying. Well we have been trying ever since then with no luck at all. I am going to turn 33 in April and I really feel like my time is running out. It definitely isn't on my side. If you would have told me ten years ago that I would have this much trouble trying to have a second child I would have told you that you were c.r.a.z.y! I got pregnant by accident with Alex. It happened so quickly and obviously so easily. Best "accident" that has ever happened to me by the way! I look at other women when we are out in public with their small babies and I can't help but feel jealous. I feel angry that I'm not the one pushing a stroller and changing dirty diapers. I get angry when I over hear other mothers of small babies complaining about how hard it is and how tired they are. I would give anything to be in their shoes. Sometimes I find myself getting angry at God and asking him why? I no He has a plan for me and that may not include a second child. That makes me even more angry. It seems so unfair to me that there are people in this world that are blessed with children who don't deserve them. You know the people we read about in the news that abuse and murder their kids. Those people don't deserve to be parents in my opinion yet they are. Why is that?
Not only has it affected me and my husband it has also affected Alex. He wants to badly to have a baby brother or sister. He asks all of the time when he will get one. It breaks my heart to tell him I don't know. All I do no is that we are going to keep trying. We just have to take it one month at a time and hope that one month very soon that little test will say positive!!!

First day of School!

I'm a little late on this post....like about a week late. Alex started 3rd grade on August 20th 2009! I can't believe my "baby" is in the third grade. It's unbelievable. This year he started a new school because his old elementary only went thru the 2nd grade. He was so excited and of course a little nervous. He couldn't wait to get dropped off. Of course it was raining so we didn't get to take many pictures. I decided that instead of just dropping him off I was going to walk him inside because we had no idea where his classroom was. They didn't give us the tour on enrollment night. He seemed ok with that idea as long as I didn't make a big scene i.e. lots of hugging, kissing, crying and picture taking. I told him I would "behave" myself and just walk "normal". Along the way I saw lots of other parents behaving "crazy like" as Alex puts it. One mom was taking pictures in the hallway another mom was crying and giving lots of kisses. I could see a look of relief on his face when I kept my word and didn't do anything embarrassing. We found his classroom without any problems and off he went without even a look back! He mumbled bye as he walked away and that was it. He is alot like me in new situations. He gets nervous and really quiet. So I fully expected not much of a goodbye from him. I made it out the front doors and then a few little tears started. They were both tears of happiness and sadness. I'm so happy that he loves school and that this year is going to bring many new adventures for us. On the other hand I'm so sad because time is just flying by. I just want to savor every moment! It seems just like yesterday I was walking him inside for his first day of Kindergarten!
All in all his first day went very well. When asked what he liked best about his first day it was without a doubt hands down the cafeteria. The cafeteria is huge compared to his old school plus they have a "real" salad bar with all of the fixings. He said they were also given larger portions and that the food was soooo much better. I'm sure it is the same food he ate last year prepared exactly the same way, but it's so much better because its new! I love to come home and hear about his day. I love that he still wants to tell me about his day. I feel so lucky to be his mom! I can't wait to see what this year brings us!

Grief is Sneaky

I never know when grief is going to sneak up on me. Literally for weeks at a time I will feel fine then boom. Out of nowhere I'm crying. I don't really understand it. I mean don't get me wrong I miss my mom so much and think about her all of the time, but I'm not sitting around everyday crying. I've actually been doing really well. Now there are just moments of unbearable sadness. I may hear a song on the radio or hear a noise outside that reminds me of her. The other day on the way home from work I had to stop and get gas. I walked in to pay and immediately there was a strong odor of cigarette smoke and perfume. It was almost overwhelming. For those of you that don't know (which I'm sure MOST of you don't) my mother was a CHAIN smoker. She had smoked as long as I can remember. Literally she would be smoking a cigarette and have another one in her hand ready to light. Anyways, she always smelled like smoke and perfume. The smell in the gas station instantly took me back to my childhood. I looked over to see where the smell was coming from and saw a lady that was probably in her late 40's. She was lost and asking for directions and in her hand was a cigarette case. Another reminder of mom. She ALWAYS had a cigarette case in her hand or nearby. So as I stood behind this lady waiting to pay for my gas I was flooded with memories. They were all good memories. I love to remember but at the same time it makes me extremely sad. I miss her so much and just want to pick up the phone and call her. So the cigarette lady went on her way and I paid for my gas. As I started walking back to my car I felt the tears creeping up on me. As I started driving home it hit me like a ton of bricks. So for the next 20 minutes I cried and sobbed and prayed I wouldn't get pulled over or in a wreck. By the time I made it home I was fine. I actually felt really good. I guess I just needed a good cry! Grief is now my sneaky little friend that likes to visit when I'd rather not have company.

End of an Era

My stepdad David passed away March 2, 2009. We all knew it was coming but it still doesn't make it any easier. Over the past few months after my mom died, David and I had grown closer. We talked at least once a week and had made plans for us to come visit again this summer. In the back of my mind I knew that David probably wouldn't be around for that visit, but I had hope. Hope that I would get to see him once again and go do all of the things we were planning. It is so strange to know that both y mom and David are gone. It is the end of an era of sorts. Their house will probably be put up for sale and everything that made the house special and unique will be gone. Even if we do visit it will never be the same. However, I am so glad that David is no longer suffering and that him and my mom are smiling down on me from Heaven. I am comforted in knowing that I will see them again one day...hopefully later than sooner.
On another note please pray for McMama and baby Stellan. Hope everyone has a great week!!

I'm back....

Well I never really left. I have been keeping up with all of my favorite blogs. Reading them everyday religiously....I just haven't felt like posting anything on my own blog. These last few months have been kind of rough. Honestly I never expected the death of my mom to have affected me so much. You see I have been preparing myself for her death for a VERY long time. Over ten years. Her lifestyle was such that it just knew at any moment she could be gone. However when I finally got that dreaded phone call I wasn't prepared. I was devastated. I went through the motions of daily life. I drove to Florida and made arrangements for her body. I went through all of her things and loaded them into our truck. I even brought her dog home with us. Now her ashes sit in my bedroom and her things are stacked in a corner still in the boxes. I just can't bring myself to go through it yet. Her sweet little dog has adjusted to his new home. He will look at me sometimes with such sympathetic eyes. He is grieving too. My step dad, who we all figured would be the one to die first, is beside himself. I talked to him at least once a week to see how he's doing. He was given about a year to live just six months ago....so each day he wakes up to start another day is a blessing! He has such a positive attitude and says "oh what do those doctors know anyways!" He told me just last Sunday that as he lays in his hospital bed which is in the living room he looks out onto the Florida Room just waiting for my mom to shuffle through. He says he still hears Peetie (my mom's dog) walking through the house almost every night...that's impossible because Peetie is here. It breaks my heart that he is so lonely and sad. It also breaks my heart that when I saw him in November may very well have been the last time I will ever see him again.
I would also like to apologize to the lucky winners of my contests from the Blog Carnival. I have yet to get the gifts in the mail yet....HOWEVER I promise I will soon. I have not forgotten about you wonderful people who participated in my giveaways. Please forgive my tardiness!!
On a brighter side on things Alex is doing great! I praise God everyday for his health and thank God for giving him to me. He brightens my day and makes me laugh. I really don't know what I would do without him!! Well I am off to bed. I plan on posting more often from here on out!