Thursday, August 27, 2009

Grief is Sneaky

I never know when grief is going to sneak up on me. Literally for weeks at a time I will feel fine then boom. Out of nowhere I'm crying. I don't really understand it. I mean don't get me wrong I miss my mom so much and think about her all of the time, but I'm not sitting around everyday crying. I've actually been doing really well. Now there are just moments of unbearable sadness. I may hear a song on the radio or hear a noise outside that reminds me of her. The other day on the way home from work I had to stop and get gas. I walked in to pay and immediately there was a strong odor of cigarette smoke and perfume. It was almost overwhelming. For those of you that don't know (which I'm sure MOST of you don't) my mother was a CHAIN smoker. She had smoked as long as I can remember. Literally she would be smoking a cigarette and have another one in her hand ready to light. Anyways, she always smelled like smoke and perfume. The smell in the gas station instantly took me back to my childhood. I looked over to see where the smell was coming from and saw a lady that was probably in her late 40's. She was lost and asking for directions and in her hand was a cigarette case. Another reminder of mom. She ALWAYS had a cigarette case in her hand or nearby. So as I stood behind this lady waiting to pay for my gas I was flooded with memories. They were all good memories. I love to remember but at the same time it makes me extremely sad. I miss her so much and just want to pick up the phone and call her. So the cigarette lady went on her way and I paid for my gas. As I started walking back to my car I felt the tears creeping up on me. As I started driving home it hit me like a ton of bricks. So for the next 20 minutes I cried and sobbed and prayed I wouldn't get pulled over or in a wreck. By the time I made it home I was fine. I actually felt really good. I guess I just needed a good cry! Grief is now my sneaky little friend that likes to visit when I'd rather not have company.
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