Friday, August 28, 2009


I have been really hesitant to post about this subject. I guess a part of me doesn't want to even say the word out loud. You no the dreaded thing called infertility. I haven't been told by a doctor that I can't have anymore children but I am obviously having trouble getting pregnant. My dh and I have been trying for over a year now and still no luck. Actually I did get pregnant awhile back but I had a miscarriage. Even though I wasn't that far along it was definitely the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Not only was it physically painful it was also very emotional. I can't put into words how it made me feel. To look over at Steven's face when the doctor told me I was miscarrying and see the pain and hurt in his eyes was almost unbearable. Let alone the disappointment. However we made a pact with one another that we wouldn't let it get us down and that all we could do was keep trying. Well we have been trying ever since then with no luck at all. I am going to turn 33 in April and I really feel like my time is running out. It definitely isn't on my side. If you would have told me ten years ago that I would have this much trouble trying to have a second child I would have told you that you were c.r.a.z.y! I got pregnant by accident with Alex. It happened so quickly and obviously so easily. Best "accident" that has ever happened to me by the way! I look at other women when we are out in public with their small babies and I can't help but feel jealous. I feel angry that I'm not the one pushing a stroller and changing dirty diapers. I get angry when I over hear other mothers of small babies complaining about how hard it is and how tired they are. I would give anything to be in their shoes. Sometimes I find myself getting angry at God and asking him why? I no He has a plan for me and that may not include a second child. That makes me even more angry. It seems so unfair to me that there are people in this world that are blessed with children who don't deserve them. You know the people we read about in the news that abuse and murder their kids. Those people don't deserve to be parents in my opinion yet they are. Why is that?
Not only has it affected me and my husband it has also affected Alex. He wants to badly to have a baby brother or sister. He asks all of the time when he will get one. It breaks my heart to tell him I don't know. All I do no is that we are going to keep trying. We just have to take it one month at a time and hope that one month very soon that little test will say positive!!!
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