Thursday, September 10, 2009

Mom I wish I had friends

This statement came out of Alex's mouth a couple of nights ago while we were laying in bed snuggling before bedtime. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I thought he had friends. Then I started to feel myself panic. You see when I was his age (it started about 3rd of 4th grade) I was the kid in the class that was picked on. You know the one that everyone makes fun of and laughs at on a daily basis?? Yep that was me. I HATED school. I had only one friend in 4th grade and I will never forget her. She was picked on as well so I thought she needed a friend. Her name was Becky. She was over weight, smelly and her clothes were always dirty. BUT she was an awesome friend!! Anyway back to Alex. I didn't want him to see my panic and fear (Thank God it was dark in his room) so I began to casually ask him questions about his friends or lack thereof. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: So

Not this month

Well mother nature has paid it's monthly visit today. I am more than disappointed but not surprised. I really had no hope of a positive pregnancy test this month. Negative thoughts have consumed me lately. Maybe that's why I wasn't surprised this morning. Any old hoo all we can do is attempt to stay positive and try again for next month!!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Bitter Sweet

Exactly two weeks ago today my sister in law gave birth to my beautiful niece Trinity. That day was bitter sweet for me. You see my sis in law and I found out we were pregnant around the same time. I took a test about a week before she did and they were one of the first people we called to tell. About a week later she called and said you are never going to believe this I just took a pregnancy test and it's positive! The squeals of excitement could be heard for miles away. We began talking about how much fun it was going to be being pregnant together and all of the things we were going to do. The next day her and her husband, who is my husbands brother, came over for dinner. We talked about the symptoms we were already having and ate more food than an army would have. As they were leaving we said our usual goodbyes, but this time everyone was so much more emotional. We were going to become mothers and aunts basically at the same time!
One week later she had her first doctors appointment and I began miscarrying. I began having cramps a few days earlier but I just refused to believe there was something wrong. It was on a Wednesday around noon and I was on my lunch break. I had gone to the park as usual and was just sitting in my car praying for the cramps to stop. It hurt so bad. My phone rang and it was my sister in law. She had gone to her first appointment and had called to tell me all about it. You no all of the first doctor appointment fun stuff like how far along she was and how fast the babies heart was beating. I just sat there and listened. I didn't want to ruin her excitement so I sat quietly as she told her me all of the details. Then she asked how I was doing and when I was going to the doctor. I said fine and in a few days. We said our goodbyes and I hung up and began crying. I knew my first appointment wasn't going to be like it should be. I sat a little longer in my car and then I headed off to run a few errands for my boss. By the time I got to my first stop I was in so much pain I could barely walk. I finally decided that I needed to find a restroom. I locked myself in the bathroom stall and sat down on the toilet and that's when my biggest fear was confirmed. There was blood everywhere. Of course I freaked out. To this day I don't no if I actually screamed out loud or not. I somehow managed to find my way out of the bathroom and building where I was then able to frantically call my husband. I don't remember much of our conversation. All I no is I managed to get out miscarriage and emergency room.
The rest is pretty much a blur. I no we waited for what seemed like forever in the ER. I no that I was in terrible pain. It felt like labor pains without the happy ending. I remember the exam and the doctor telling me what was happening. I remember looking at Steven and seeing pain and disappointment written all over his face. There really wasn't much to be done. I wasn't really that far along so the doctor said I more than likely wouldn't need a D&C. He said my body would "get rid" of everything naturally. Get rid of everything naturally? Seriously? Where did he get his bedside manner? Then I was given a piece of paper that explained what was happening to me. I think it was title something like "spontaneous abortion." Nice. Do these people not realize they are talking about my unborn child??? My baby that we were already dreaming about meeting??? I kept telling myself and Steven "well at least it happened now and not later when I was further along." Did I really feel that way? Nope. I just kept thinking if I say it out loud I will feel better. As the days and weeks passed, I kept asking myself am I aloud to mourn? I mean after all my baby was smaller than the size of a pea and I hadn't even got to hear the heartbeat. So was I really even considered pregnant? All of these thoughts were consuming my mind. On the outside I appeared fine, but on the inside I was a mess. To make matters worse every week I got the weekly update on my sister in laws pregnancy. How perfect everything was going and how excited they were. I felt resentful. Why did she get to keep her baby and I didn't? Then I would feel guilty for thinking that way. I mean what kind of person was I anyways? This was my sister in law and unborn niece we were talking about!! It was a no win situation. So I just started to distance myself. I felt like I had no choice.
So two weeks ago was very bitter sweet. When I got to hold my niece for the first time almost all of the bitter feelings went away. I was filled with joy and excitement. However I still felt a sense of lost and sadness. It made me wonder what would he/she have looked like? What would we have named him/her? What would the nursery have looked like? Which outfit would we have taken the baby home in? Do these thoughts ever go away?? They are on the backburner of my mind most days, but I still have my moments. I don't know if it will ever get any easier.....

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I can't wait for college....

The other night Alex and I were laying there snuggling in his room as we do every night. It has become our evening ritual to snuggle and talk for about 15 minutes before he goes to bed. It's my favorite part of the day!! You never know what is going to come out of his mouth considering he is trying desperately to figure out a way to keep from going to bed. So we are laying there snuggling and he says "Mom, I can't wait to go to college." I was so happy to hear those words come out of his mouth, but I didn't want to seem too happy. Sometimes if I seem to happy about stuff then he changes his mind! I told him I was excited for him to go to college and that he would have so much fun. I told him about my first year of college and my roommate. I talked about dorm life and how exciting it was.
He was quiet for a little bit and then he said "Mommy, do you know the only thing about college that i'm NOT going to like?"
I said "No baby what is that?"
He says "I won't be able to snuggle with you before bedtime anymore!"

My heart melted at that very moment. I went on to assure him things would be ok and that he could come home and visit me whenever he wanted. He doesn't realize that by the time he gets to be 18 he won't want to snuggle with his mom anymore. I'm not going to let him in on that little secret just yet! I'm going to enjoy these moments while they last!!!

Duggars expecting their 19th child!?

Ok I'm just not too sure how to feel about this. 19 kids?? wtf? To each his/her own has always been my motto, but when do you draw the line? They seem like really good parents, but even the best parent in the world has their limits. How can they give each child individual attention like they need? There is no way they can meet all of their emotional needs. Oh and let's not forget they have sold out to reality television. I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing if I was in their shoes, but now it seems more like a circus act. You can visit their family website here and see pictures of their VERY nice home. You will also see a display of pictures that show overly happy almost staged looking children. It just seems really weird to me. A little too perfect. Now let's talk finances. I am amazed at how expensive one child is let alone 19. How do they afford all of it? How do they afford that big beautiful home? You might say it's none of my business and you are probably right. I'm just curious how do they do it??? Maybe they could offer the rest of us who are struggling some tips?! On their website it tells of how the older children help with the younger children. Is that fair to the older kids? They are having to help raise babies? I think that after they probably got past 7 or 8 kids they figured out they could make ALOT of money by having more and that's how they ended up where they are today. What do you guys think?