Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Blond no more!!

Over the weekend we attended a birthday party that was Halloween themed. All of the kids got to dress up and they had so much fun. Last year Alex was Ghost Rider. This year we bought his costume (Transformers) really early because all of the stores here had them out at the end of August, which by the way I think is ridiculous! So you know of course when it's actually time to wear the costume we can't find it! I have no idea where it could possibly's not like my house is super huge or anything. Anyways, I refuse to buy a new costume so we are recycling last years. I figured he would throw a fit, but he was actually ok with it. I'm not sure what he is but I really thought it turned out good and it was so much fun getting him ready.
This picture cracks me up because he looks sooo serious.
So when we got home that evening he was looking in the mirror and says to me "Mom, don't you think my hair looks better like this when it's long? You know black?" I said "Yes, actually I do like it dark when it's long. Hmmm would you like to dye it black?" He could barely get yes out of his mouth before he was running out of the bathroom yelling to Steven what the "plan" was. Later that evening, after we had washed off all of the hairspray dye and face paint we headed to Walmart to get black hair dye. His natural hair color is dark brown/almost black, but he has had the blond in his hair for over a year now. He LOVES to color his hair.
Before we colored his hair (This pic was taken this summer at the lake. He has on pink Tinkerbell shorts in this picture because that's all we had that was dry. He was SO embarrassed!!)

Seriously mom how much longer till we are done??

We are almost there! Only five more minutes!!

The end result!! Jet black with a tint of blue. Oh so handsome!
Wow is all I could say when we were finished! It looks so different after seeing Blond for a year now. The blue was kind of an accident. I didn't realize that the blond tips would turn blue. I really like it, but I was afraid his school would get mad. Luckily they haven't said a word!

Wow what a difference!!
This was such a fun experience! Plus I got his undivided attention for a whole 30 minutes while we were waiting on the dye to be finished "cooking" as he liked to put it. We had a great conversation about various topics and he couldn't run off from me to do something else! Hmmm maybe I need to dye his hair more often??!
Have a great Wednesday!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Guess it was my imagination...

Cause I got the monthly visitor bright and early this morning. Oh well that's ok! I am keeping my spirits up and I'm in a pretty good mood (aside from the terrible pms I am experiencing). I mean really what else can we do at this point? I am hopeful that we will get pregnant in the near future, but if we don't there are other options. Those options may seem damn near impossible at this point in my life but where there is a will there is a way right?!
I hope everyone is having a great week so far. Sorry this is short but it's almost five and I gotta head home!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Come on already!!!!!

I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs rite now. Hell I may just throw myself a good old fashioned temper tantrum. Why? Because I STILL have not started my period and I STILL have not gotten a for sure positive pregnancy test. I am almost certain that I am not pregnant this month, but why oh why can't I just start my period? I am now officially 4 days late. FOUR!!! Mother nature sure is cruel. Hopes get brought up to the highest of all levels and then are shot down to the lowest depths after one trip to the restroom. The few tests that I have taken have not shown a dark positive. It's the faintest thing I have ever seen so more than likely it's either A) my imagination or B) an evaporation line. Oh and by the way did you know that you CAN get a false positive test if the cup you use to pee in has any soap residue left in it? I did not know this. See I can't sit down and aim my pee on those sticks. It just doesn't work out for me at all. So I have to pee in a cup and then dip. Gross? Yes, but that's the way I have to do it. Otherwise it's just a big mess and a wasted test. Anyways, I'm 32 and trust me in my lifetime I have taken SEVERAL pregnancy tests. Never ever have I gotten a false positive. So when I took this test and it turned almost immediately positive and the line was dark I got soooo excited. I just knew I was pregnant. (Side note: This happened several months ago) Well evidently the cup I peed in had some invisible soap residue left in it. So guess my pee cup was actually the one pregnant. Talk about being disappointed, heartbroken and pissed off at the world!!! Just a little FYI for you guys use a sterile cup to pee in.
Anyways I just wish I would either start my period since I pretty much no i'm not preg this month. I want to start so we can try again. I am really trying hard to put all of my faith in God rite now, but i'm just going to be honest with you guys it is very hard at the moment.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Playing the waiting game!

Waiting, waiting and more waiting. That's what we are up to over in Pottsville. What are you waiting on you might ask? Either an unwanted visit from Mother Nature or a big fat POSITIVE pregnancy test. I'm of course hoping for the latter. Did I mention I absolutely despise pregnancy tests? I mean it's almost become an unhealthy obsession of mine. I can't tell you how many of them I have bought first off. Secondly, after I take the test I stare. Then I stare some more at that tiny little test strip. Is there a line? Is that a faint little line I see?! Then I stare some more and hold it up to a light. This will go one for awhile. Then I put it down and come back and stare some more. Then I get my husband and make him examine the test all the while I'm asking him "Do you see a line???!!!" Bless his heart I no he gets annoyed but he humors me. It was probably fun the first couple of times he looked at the tests but now i'm sure he is thinking just come and get me when the line is so dark it's nearly black! Has anyone else done this or am I just loosing my mind?!!! I am a couple days late, but my period has been known to be i'm not holding my breath by any means. I have taken a couple of tests but no "clear" positive so I'm going to say they were negative. I'm sure it was probably just one of those annoying evaporation lines! Do I feel like mother nature is right around the corner? Yep, which is very discouraging. I have cramps of course but the other signs of PMS are at bay right now. I just keep reminding myself that I had cramps with my son as well. Just say a little prayer for us that we might actually get that for sure so dark it's almost black positive this time! I will keep you posted!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

My First Recollection of Abuse

The first time I remember my mother abusing me was when I was six. My mom was an alcoholic and when she drank she became a very mean person. For various reasons her and my dad divorced when I was five. As I remember things after the divorce is when mom began to drink heavily. That is when the abuse began. So back to my first memory. I was six and in the first grade. It was a school night so we were off to bed early. I still slept in the bed with my mom (which is a whole other issue and post). I remember we were lying in bed watching Johnny Carson. She had her favorite drink in hand which was a whiskey on the rocks. I curled up next to her so we could snuggle. She was tipsy but not drunk by any means. I remember looking up at her and she smiled, told me goodnight and kissed my forehead. I drifted off to sleep in the comfort of my mommy’s arms and good ole Johnny Carson playing in the background. Now that I think back it is so odd how I can remember the sounds in the background. Still to this day when I watch old re-runs of Johnny Carson it brings back floods of memories both good and bad. Anyway, I don’t know how long I had been asleep. I don’t know how long she had sat there continuing to drink. All I do no is that I was awoken by her slapping my head and face repeatedly. I was so confused. Was I dreaming? What had I done wrong? My first thought was do I have a bug on my head?? Is she trying to kill the bug??? I soon realized there was no bug. I looked into her eyes and no longer saw my mom. I saw a stranger. Her usually sparkling eyes were anger and rage filled. At this point I was still very confused and somewhat still asleep. This had never happened before. Hell I don’t even remember her ever spanking me before this night. I jumped up and quickly got off of the bed. Now we were facing each other from across the bed. She was so angry at me and still to this day I have no idea why. She proceeded to chase me around the room and down the hallway. She was yelling and screaming at me. There were moments when she would catch me. In those moments she would slap my head, face and upper body along with pulling my hair. I was so terrified. Who was this monster and why was she doing this to me? Where was my mom? I don’t remember how long all of this went on or why it finally ended. It did finally end that night. The next morning when I awoke I was so scared. Was she going to hit me again? Was she still angry? I heard her bustling around in the kitchen so I slowly crept down the hallway. When I reached the entrance to the kitchen I saw her standing at the counter making me breakfast. She looked up and saw me standing there. She smiled and her eyes sparkled. I knew instantly that the person standing before me was my mom. The relief I felt is indescribable. Later in the day after she picked me up from school she apologized. “I’m sorry about what happened last night. It will never happen again.” I told her it was ok and felt so relieved because she had told me it would never happen again. Little did I no that later that night it would happen again and every night after that for the next five years. The only thing that stopped was the apologies.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Child Hood Abuse

This is something I have been hesitant to address on my blog. After all this started out as just a way to keep a journal about Alex and our Family. However, childhood abuse is something that hits close to home. It is something that that used to be very hard for me to talk about. It was easier to just “forget” about it. I was very good at putting on a winner smile and convincing everyone around me that I was ok. I really wasn’t ok. Inside I was hurting. The years of abuse I endured as a child at the hands of my mother has affected my adult life in more ways than one. It has made me question God and tested my faith. I have asked Him “why me?’ more times than I can count. I have been on a never ending quest to figure out why it happened. Finally after many many years of asking why I have come to the conclusion that there is no answer. Does that mean I still don’t ask why? Nope. I ask all of the time. I am just better able to answer the question.

Something that I have realized is that there are so many people out there that are dealing with similar issues. If I can help at lease one person out there maybe that will help me better understand why it happened to me. Maybe God had this all planned out. Maybe my purpose in life is to help others. Am I totally convinced this is why it happened? Nope. However it feels so good to not that maybe, just maybe I can help someone else. A counselor once told me that children who are abused seek out other abused children to be their friends. She went on to say that we have no idea that we are even doing it and may never realize our friends have similar problems. She said that this behavior (if that’s how you want to define it) carries over into adulthood. What she told me has stuck with me my entire life. Is it true? Absolutely!! Since elementary school I have surrounded myself with friends that are survivors of childhood abuse. Did I know they were survivors when I first became friends with them? Nope. It was only after many months’ even years that I figured it out.

A few years ago I sat down with a pen and piece of paper and wrote down all of my close (and not so close) childhood friends. Nine out of ten of them had been abused. I began to wonder is everyone abused as kids?? I don’t think so! It’s just this strange phenomenon per say that draws all of us survivors together. I have decided that I am going to tell my story in hopes that I can help others….even if it’s just one.


The other day Alex was playing rock band and decided he would take a break from playing the drums and sing. I'm sure most of you know that the singing part on rock band is just like karaoke. The words appear on the t.v. for you to follow. Anyway I was outside doing something in the yard when he came bopping outside to tell me how good he did and then to ask me a question.

Alex: Mom what does "dam - in" mean?
Me: dam in? I have no idea what you are talking about.
Alex: It is a word on the song and I don't know what it means. You know mom "dam-in".
(I for the life of me cannot remember what the name of the song is that he was even singing. I'm sure it will come to me in the middle of the night.)

Hmmm I have no idea what he is talking about at this point. Dam in?? So I asked him to spell it for me.
Alex: It's spelled d.a.m.n
I immediately erupted in laughter which confused the heck out of him.
Alex: Why is "dam in" so funny?
Me: Well baby that's not "dam in" that is "damn". You know the not so nice word you aren't allowed to say?!
Then we both erupted in laughter. Light bulb goes on! He was like ohhhh!! Well I'll just keep saying "dam in" if that's ok. I sometimes forget just how confusing words can be and all of the rules that go along with them.

Now i'm wondering what other choice words are on that game that I haven't noticed. I'm going to really miss it when he gets older and these little innocent moments are non-existent. I need to do a post where I put down all of the words he used to mispronounce and all of the cute things he did as a baby so I don't forget them. Maybe I will start working on that really soon!!
Hope everyone has a great Wednesday!