Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Child Hood Abuse

This is something I have been hesitant to address on my blog. After all this started out as just a way to keep a journal about Alex and our Family. However, childhood abuse is something that hits close to home. It is something that that used to be very hard for me to talk about. It was easier to just “forget” about it. I was very good at putting on a winner smile and convincing everyone around me that I was ok. I really wasn’t ok. Inside I was hurting. The years of abuse I endured as a child at the hands of my mother has affected my adult life in more ways than one. It has made me question God and tested my faith. I have asked Him “why me?’ more times than I can count. I have been on a never ending quest to figure out why it happened. Finally after many many years of asking why I have come to the conclusion that there is no answer. Does that mean I still don’t ask why? Nope. I ask all of the time. I am just better able to answer the question.

Something that I have realized is that there are so many people out there that are dealing with similar issues. If I can help at lease one person out there maybe that will help me better understand why it happened to me. Maybe God had this all planned out. Maybe my purpose in life is to help others. Am I totally convinced this is why it happened? Nope. However it feels so good to not that maybe, just maybe I can help someone else. A counselor once told me that children who are abused seek out other abused children to be their friends. She went on to say that we have no idea that we are even doing it and may never realize our friends have similar problems. She said that this behavior (if that’s how you want to define it) carries over into adulthood. What she told me has stuck with me my entire life. Is it true? Absolutely!! Since elementary school I have surrounded myself with friends that are survivors of childhood abuse. Did I know they were survivors when I first became friends with them? Nope. It was only after many months’ even years that I figured it out.

A few years ago I sat down with a pen and piece of paper and wrote down all of my close (and not so close) childhood friends. Nine out of ten of them had been abused. I began to wonder is everyone abused as kids?? I don’t think so! It’s just this strange phenomenon per say that draws all of us survivors together. I have decided that I am going to tell my story in hopes that I can help others….even if it’s just one.
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