Thursday, November 12, 2009

Like salt in an open wound

I have been trying to wait a few days to post in order to get my arms wrapped around my emotions a little better. However, I find myself just as upset today as I was two days I decided to go ahead and post something. Hopefully I will feel better afterwards! Ok so as most of you know Steven and I are trying to have a baby. We have BEEN trying now for quite some time with obviously NO luck. I no, I no it will happen when it's meant to happen...or at least that's what everyone keeps telling me including Steven. How he remains so positive I don't no. BUT what if it NEVER happens? This questions haunts me pretty much on a daily basis. I absolutely HATE feeling the way I do especially towards other people who are pregnant. I don't want to be this jealous hateful person anymore, but I don't know how to get it under control. A few days ago I found out that my husbands cousin is expecting her third child. She has a two year old, a one year old and now she is pregnant again. When I read her myspace update that they were expecting again my first thought was "this is not fair." Then came anger, tears, jealousy, etc. Am I truly 100% happy for them? No i'm not. There I said it. I'm NOT happy....i'm pissed. Does this make me a bad person? Maybe, but i'm only human. I'm sure after a little bit of time has passed so will these emotions. I am just hoping that by blogging about this it will help me get this under control so I can fully embrace the joys of our soon to be new family member. At this moment in time, however, when I hear news of people expecting it's just like someone is pouring salt in an open wound.
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