Thursday, March 18, 2010

Stand off

So the past few days have been really hard. I can honestly say that this has been the hardest relationship issue I have ever had to deal with in my adult life.  I have had several long term relationships and have been married before and well obviously those relationships all ended.  Yes I shed tears and was sad BUT not like this.  The scary thing is that my husband and I are not even ending our marriage or splitting up for good.  It has just felt like it for some reason.  However, last night we talked.  I ran out to his parents house to actually pick up Alex (can't be away from him for that long!) and at first it was awkward.  We didn't really know how to act or what to say to each other.  It's like we both had to much pride or stubborness to admit that we were wrong or to say i'm sorry.  There has been alot of finger pointing and blame.  I don't know how many of you read Mckmama's blog, but yesterday she wrote a post about marriage that made the little light bulb in my brain come on and scream "hello? anybody in here??!!"  I see so clearly now how both my husband and I have been attacking one another like we are at war.  Hateful words can be like road side bombs and eventually lead to the death of a marriage if you are not careful.  I am by no means an expert here but I can see now why my husband wanted to get away.  In all honestly i'm kind of glad he did because I don't know if the light bulb would have come on if I hadn't of taken a step back out of the situation.  So after about five minutes of us standing there in a "stand off" so to speak determined to "win" and stay mad  at each other I caved.  I suddenly didn't care about winning. I mean what exactly was I winning anyway? A divorce? Not exactly my idea of a great prize!!  All I cared about was telling my husband that I loved him and that I was willing to listen to him and actually HEAR what he was saying.  I put my "guns" away and just listened.  I was amazed at what I heard!!  He in turn listened to me and I saw a look of compassion and understanding in his eyes that I haven't seen in a very long time.  Now don't get me wrong we are by no means out of the clear and ok.  There is alot of work that needs to be done to repair the damage caused by those road side bombs.  However, I have a very new outlook on things today and I feel this undescribable peace in my heart.  I know that God has been listening to all of the prayers as well.  Thank you so much!!
I'm happy to say that not only did I bring Alex home last night I brought my husband home too!  There is alot of work to be done and I know that we will probably have more ups than downs at first but we both agreed that we would rather be together thru those tough times than apart.   We both realized last night that we need to end the stand off and stand together!!
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