Not Me Monday!

  I decided to plug back in for the day and participate in Not Me Monday over at Mckmama's site.  Head on over there to participate in the fun!!
So here is what I haven't been up to this past week...

• I did not wear my shirt backwards ALL day long only to realize when I saw a few people looking at me weird
• I did not oversleep one day last week.  I didn't wake up at 8:00 a.m. when I have to be to work at 8:30 am.
• I most certainly did not fall over in my chair at work while I was stretching...that would be very embarassing.

What have you guys not done this week?!

Unplugged

Well just when I thought things couldn't get any worse they have. Unfortunately it's not something that I feel is appropriate to blog about at least right now anyway.  So i'm going to take a few days off from posting (guess I will extend my challenge just a few more days into April again!). I just need a break from everything at the moment.  I'm so tired and confused.  Please just send some prayers my way!!  I know that God is holding my hand rite now and that I need to put Him first which I don't do enough.  I am very guilty at "forgetting" to do that....I hope i'm not the only one! 

I hope you all have a great weekend!!!

Trust

Hello my name is Andrea and I have a severe problem trusting men. Whew I feel so much better now that I said that outloud.  May seem insignificant to most people but to me it's a HUGE problem. I am the type of person who doesn't trust anyone from the get go. You have to earn your trust with me and once it's broken it's extremely hard to fix.  I spent years in counseling when I was in my late teens and early twenties trying to figure out why I am the way I am and how to deal with my issues. Did it help?  Maybe a little but my issues like to rear their ugly heads especially when i'm under stress.  I first talked about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mom when I was a child here and I still do plan to talk more about it in hopes of helping others.  Like I said before if what I disclose helps even just one person then I will be so happy!  There are alot of things that happen in my life and my marriage that I don't write about because some things are just meant to be private.  However I talked to my hubby last night and asked if it was ok with him if I told a little of his "story" and he liked the idea.  You see it's this amazing phenonmenon that people who were abused as children unknowingly seek out others that have had the same or similiar experiences.  I don't really understand why this happens but a counselor once told me that nine times out of ten that almost all of your friends will have had a similiar experience as you did growing up. She also said that you may not even realize it and may never realize it because it's not something most people like to talk about or disclose.  It's almost like a secret "club" so to speak.  So about a year ago when my husband broke down and started having repressed memories surface I wasn't the least bit surprised.  Well let me rephrase that...I was shocked at what had happened to him but not shocked that I had married someone who had been abused.  My husband has a long journey to getting better but as he put it "at least i'm with someone who gets me."  What I have tried to explain to him is that you have to deal with what happened to you head on and not sweep it under the carpet.  Everyone is different in how they deal with things but by not dealing your just delaying the healing process.  Are we ever really healed? I'm really not sure. I want to think I am healed but I know i'm not but I am better.  So back to the trust thing...I kind of got sidetracked here didn't I?  I will always have trust issues  and it can be crippling at times. For example when my husband tells me "yes dear I watered the plants" my first thought is no you didn't your lying.  (This is just an example by the way....I don't think I have ever doubted him on simple everyday things.) It doesn't help matters that my first husband was a piece of shit.lying cheater who destroyed my self esteem and trust completely.  Lets just say he makes Tiger Woods look good.  I allowed myself to be emotionally abused by him for six years.  I allowed him to manipulate me and knock me to the very bottom of the Earth.  So now Steven gets the aftershocks which isn't fair.  From the very start of our relationship I have not trusted him at all when it came to other women.  What was so crazy is he had done absolutely nothing to make me doubt his faithfulness.  I had just convinced myself that he was talking to and seeing other women.  So I would snoop.  I would find myself grabbing his phone while he was in the shower and looking at all of his incoming/outgoing calls and text messages.  At the time he worked as a contractor for Dish Network so he made alot of calls to customers but in my mind they weren't customers but other women.  Crazy huh?  I think I even called a few of the numbers just to see who it actually was he was talking to!!  What did I find out? Customers or his male friends NOT other women.  This obsession got worse over time.  I not only was snooping thru his phone I would snoop thru his email as well.  One evening after we had been dating for about 8-10 months I broke down and admitted to him what I had been doing.  He wasn't mad at all and told me that if it made me feel better then I could snoop all I wanted because he had nothing to hide.  That was just it though I didn't want to be that kind of person.  Everyone deserves their own personal space and privacy.  So over the years I have really had to make the effort to not do those kind of things.  It's very hard but I have made huge progress!! I think I am going to do a post soon on what exactly happened to me that made me have such trust issues. It's not just one thing inparticular but a multitude of things.  Right now my husband and I are trying very hard to work through everything but I am not going to sit here and type that things are great.  They aren't great at all but one thing I do know is that we love each other and we "get" one another.  That in itself is great!!
Happy Thursday everyone!

Wordless Wednesday

Can you see Alex?

Random

Well I have to say i'm a little disappointed.  I had challenged myself to blog everyday starting March 4th - April 4th....and I have been m.i.a for the past 3 days.  Not on purpose though!!  My computer went on the fritz and I tried to write a post from my cell phone but for some reason that option isn't available anymore.  Probably just my phone.  It allows me to log in and select new post but it won't actually let me compose anything.  VERY frustrating!!  So I have extended my challenge to April 7th! I guess if this happens again and I miss a day or two I will just make another extension. I REALLY missed reading everyone elses blogs. I have alot of catching up to do today! whew!
We had a pretty uneventful weekend.  Friday it was 73 degrees and by Saturday morning it was 30 and snowing!  We got about 6 inches of snow, which may not be much to those of you who live up north, but it's alot for us.  Luckily it melted pretty quickly and the sun is shining.  Way to pretty to be stuck inside working that's for sure! 
I hope everyone has a wonderful week!!

I would kill to be our dogs for five minutes!

Seriously all my dogs do is eat, sleep, bark, crap, play and lay around being lazy. I would LOVE to be able to do that for just one day.  Not have a care in the world except when I was going to get fed.  I'm pretty sure our dogs don't worry per say.
So two nights ago I was in our bedroom when out on the front porch  I heard the most aweful crying/meowing sound coming from outside the door.  I just had to open that door and see if everything was ok even though I already knew it was a stray cat that wanted us to feed it and take it inside.  Ugh! I DID NOT want another animal let alone a cat.  Don't get me wrong I like cats but I don't like the smell of a cat box or all of the hair they shed. However I also have a big heart and can't stand to see an animal suffering.  This poor cat was starving and was obviously scared.  He wanted to come inside even though there were three barking dogs ready to chase him all around the house.  He didn't care! He just wanted IN!!  I finally got all of the supplies we needed which included a big bag of cat food.  We put a bowl of food and water on a small end table (This is so the dogs won't get it) and he was so happy!!  He kept looking at us in between bites with a look of such appreciation.  Then he ended up sleeping next to his bowl of unfinished food all night.  Made me feel even more sorry for him that he felt he couldn't leave his food because it would "disappear" or something.  So needless to say we have another animal.  Woo hoo!
Oh and by the way today it is so beautiful outside. A high of 73! Tomorrow the high is 32 and it's suppose to snow...gotta love Oklahoma weather.  Have a great weekend!!

Stand off

So the past few days have been really hard. I can honestly say that this has been the hardest relationship issue I have ever had to deal with in my adult life.  I have had several long term relationships and have been married before and well obviously those relationships all ended.  Yes I shed tears and was sad BUT not like this.  The scary thing is that my husband and I are not even ending our marriage or splitting up for good.  It has just felt like it for some reason.  However, last night we talked.  I ran out to his parents house to actually pick up Alex (can't be away from him for that long!) and at first it was awkward.  We didn't really know how to act or what to say to each other.  It's like we both had to much pride or stubborness to admit that we were wrong or to say i'm sorry.  There has been alot of finger pointing and blame.  I don't know how many of you read Mckmama's blog, but yesterday she wrote a post about marriage that made the little light bulb in my brain come on and scream "hello? anybody in here??!!"  I see so clearly now how both my husband and I have been attacking one another like we are at war.  Hateful words can be like road side bombs and eventually lead to the death of a marriage if you are not careful.  I am by no means an expert here but I can see now why my husband wanted to get away.  In all honestly i'm kind of glad he did because I don't know if the light bulb would have come on if I hadn't of taken a step back out of the situation.  So after about five minutes of us standing there in a "stand off" so to speak determined to "win" and stay mad  at each other I caved.  I suddenly didn't care about winning. I mean what exactly was I winning anyway? A divorce? Not exactly my idea of a great prize!!  All I cared about was telling my husband that I loved him and that I was willing to listen to him and actually HEAR what he was saying.  I put my "guns" away and just listened.  I was amazed at what I heard!!  He in turn listened to me and I saw a look of compassion and understanding in his eyes that I haven't seen in a very long time.  Now don't get me wrong we are by no means out of the clear and ok.  There is alot of work that needs to be done to repair the damage caused by those road side bombs.  However, I have a very new outlook on things today and I feel this undescribable peace in my heart.  I know that God has been listening to all of the prayers as well.  Thank you so much!!
I'm happy to say that not only did I bring Alex home last night I brought my husband home too!  There is alot of work to be done and I know that we will probably have more ups than downs at first but we both agreed that we would rather be together thru those tough times than apart.   We both realized last night that we need to end the stand off and stand together!!

Wordless Wednesday!

Weird purses I ran across while browsing the internet!

     

Lovely Keyboard purse

Hmmmm...I dont know whether to laugh or be scared.

I actually like frogs but this one looks kinda mean!

Happy Wordless Wednesday!!!

Heavy heart

I write with a heavy heart today.  My husband and Alex are gone for a few days for spring break and i'm missing them so much.  If things were ok between my husband and I then I would be ok with him going off, but not right now.  Rite now I feel he needs to be home, but he doesn't want to be.  We are not splitting up (or at least if we are i'm not aware of it). I think the exact words out of his mouth is "I think it would be good for us to have a few days apart."  Maybe it would but that's not what I want.  I don't like coming home to an empty house.  Yes, I am very excited for Alex because this is spring break and I want him to have fun.  They went out to my husbands parents house which is way out in the country.  There are tons of fun things to do and the weather is supposed to be perfect this week.  So in that aspect i'm thrilled! Like I told my husband if we were a perfectly happy couple then you going off for a few days wouldn't bother me because I would be secure in our relationship.  I would also know that a part of my husband WASN'T wanting to be away from ME.  Maybe a few days apart will help us I just don't know.  Do you guys think four or five days apart will help?

I'm tired!

Wow it was a long and eventful weekend!  The weather was semi nice so we decided to head out to the country and have a little fun.  Lots of fishing, hiking and adventures!  Alex had such a great time.  I took a few pictures but i'm not quite ready for that post.  Like I said i'm tired and it is Monday!  I am not a big fan of Mondays but who is??  Well I hope everyone has a great week!

Crazy eyes

I always tease my husband about his "crazy" eyes.  He has really large eyes and when he is goofing around or gets surprised they get even bigger.  If you didn't know him you might think he was a little looney!  We may be having our fair share of problems right now, but we still have fun together.  He is my best friend and that will never change.  Only a best friend would let you do this...

See the crazy eyes?  We got bored one nite and he let me do his hair!

His hair had gotten really long (he has since cut if all off). I thought it was very stylish!

This pic is kind of dark but look closely at the eyes...further proof.

The hair night was so much fun.  He now realizes the time it takes to do hair.

What does "In Love" really mean?

Trust me this question has been tossed around between my husband and I ALOT the past several days.  What does it really mean to be "in love" with someone?  Is it defined by the giddy feeling you get when you see that special person?  Is it when you feel butterflies in your stomach? Is it when you sit up all night with them while they are sick and throwing up?  Is it when you listen to their goofy (somewhat boring) stories over and over again just because?  Is it when you kiss them and feel light headed and dizzy? I mean the list could go on and on and on...
I guess you could say i'm doing some soul searching.  To me being in love is a combination of all of those things plus some.  What does it mean to you guys?

Bubble Time!

A few months ago my nephew who is three and my son took a bath together with the "bubble machine" as they like to call it.  It's actually this really cool contraption that I found at a garage sale.  It is supposed to be a "spa" for the tub but we use it to make an enormous amount of bubbles! 

Where's Waldo?

They were having so much fun!

Alex thought the more bubbles that were on his face the better!

Bubble Monster!

Prayer Request

Please say a prayer for these children and families.  There has been an outbreak of bacterial menengitits at an elementary school in Oolagah, Oklahoma which is about 30 minutes North of where I live and two children have already died.  When I hear stories like this it ALWAYS hits close to home.

I love this face!

I love this sweet face!

He always makes me smile!

His sweet smile melts my heart!

Since the day he was born he stole my heart! He is 100% a mama's boy although in a few years I suspect that statement will really embarass him.  For now though he is my baby. My parnter in "crime"!  I love you Boogey!

Spell Check! Calling Mr. Spell Check!

First off thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. You have know idea how much it means!  Today is a better day. I guess I have had a few days to digest everything and I don't feel so shell shocked. I was re-reading my last few posts yesterday afternoon and I just couldn't figure out what was wrong or missing. I knew that when I was typing the word "graphic" that it just didn't look quite rite but I was just not in the mood to dwell on it if you know what I mean.  By the way...what happened to the spell check on here???  I can't find that option ANYWHERE!  Anyway I woke up in the middle of the night last nite and was like oh no. Oh no!! I misspelled graphic.  Really? How can I be worried at 1:00 a.m. that I misspelled a word on my blog.  I'm pretty sure you guys weren't worrying about it!  So the first time I spelled it "graffic" like traffic with a G and the second time I spelled it "grafic" like I was trying to figure out why it looked so weird but just couldn't.  After everything that is going on in my life rite now THIS is what woke me up straight out of bed.  Ok so this is just a random and kinda pointless post but I think it's just what I needed!  I'm still calling for that Mr. Spell Check...where did he go?!

We have come to the conclusion

 So my husband and I have been talking ALOT lately.  We have been disecting our marriage trying to figure out how in the world we have gotten to this point.  How did it happen? When did it happen? How are we going to fix  it?  All of these questions have been swirling in my mind the past couple of days over and over again.  I can't eat or sleep.  I just want to curl up in a tiny ball and go to sleep and hope that when I wake this is all just a bad dream.  I know that isn't going to happen though and that I have to deal with this head on otherwise it won't get better.  It will only get worse and then it may not even be fixable.  How did we end up here? How can two perfectly happy people who want to spend the rest of their lives together end up here??  Why?  I know marriage is hard work and there are ups and downs. I knew that at some point one of us would be unhappy and would need the other one to carry us through.  Am I strong enough to carry my husband through this? I just don't know.  I would like to think that I am, but at the moment I don't feel very strong. I feel weak and sad.  My husband is such a kind person and doesn't like to say or do anything that will hurt someone else.  It's almost to the point where it is a fault of his.  So instead of coming to me months ago and talking to me about his feelings he just pretended that everything was ok.  I guess he hoped that it would get better and that his feelings would change.  He just simply did not want to hurt me by telling me the truth about how he was feeling towards me and now we are in trouble.  I knew something was wrong and off. I just never imagined it would be this.  I basically begged him to tell me what was going on. I told him that it might hurt me but lying would hurt me worse.  No there has been no affair or anything like that. Not yet anyway.  I'm not saying my husband is the type of person who cheats, but I think everyone is capable of it given the right situation.  So after alot of begging and pleading he finally broke down in tears and told me "I'm not in love with you anymore."  He said he loves me but isn't "in love" and hasn't been for quite some time now.  He said it feels like he is living with his best friend.  So you can only assume from there that all physical attraction is gone as well.  When I asked him if he was sexually attracted to me anymore the answer was no.  Talk about feeling like a hundred knives were being stabbed into my heart.  I think that was the hardest thing to hear.  I already knew the answer before I asked because of certain things that had happened.  I won't go into grafic detail here, but you can probably guess.  Let's just say his tools won't work sometimes because it's just simply NOT there for him anymore.  It's all gone.  How did this happen??? How do we fix it?? Neither one of us want to throw in the towel on our marriage.  Divorce is not even on the table but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared shitless that it may happen.  We are definitely open to marriage counseling but unfortunately rite now we just can't afford it because of him losing his job.  To top it all off my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother again have pretty much been put on the back burner for good.  I mean first off it's kinda hard to make a baby with broken tools and secondly is it fair to even think about bringing a baby into a broken marriage?  Just think a few days ago my biggest concern was infertility (not making light of infertility at all but to me that seems like something I can wrap my arms around).  So that is the conclusion that we have come to and we have no idea what to do now.  At least it's out in the open and that in itself makes me feel a little better. 

I feel lost

I have been up half the night trying to decide whether or not to share this with everyone.  Not that I have a huge reader base but still this is kinda private.  However, I always feel better when I write down what i'm thinking and feeling.  I could also use a few prayers!  My husband and I are having some major problems and to be honest with you I have NO idea what to do.  I'm feel so lost and sad.  I love him with all of my heart and soul.  He is my soulmate if you believe in that sort of stuff.  I have known that things have been off for quite some time. I just didn't know what exactly was wrong.  I could just FEEL that something was going terribly wrong yet no matter how hard I tried to wrap my arms around the problem I just kept slipping.  We were holding hands at one point on this journey and now I feel like he has let my hand go and i'm lost like a little kid in a huge amusement park.  What do I do? We have been married almost two years and together for almost five.  We have been friends for eight years and to be honest I can't imagine my life without him.  Yet I feel like he is already gone.  I won't go into graffic details yet as to what has been discussed or said but let me tell you it's NOT good.  It also has NOTHING to do with the way I feel but how he feels. Not good I tell ya.  I know marriage is hard and you have to fight.  I also know that at any given point one of you can fall "out of love".  I have always told Steven that we can't both fall out of love at the SAME time.  Don't you think that is just a recipe for disaster? 
I am praying that we can soldier through this rough patch and come out a stronger and healthier couple.  At the moment though i'm just so uncertain and feel very lost.

I can feel it

I can feel springs rite around the corner!!!!  Woo hooo I LOVE spring time.  I love the warm weather and the spring storms. I love the time change and getting an extra hour of daylight.  I love going to the park after I get home from work or going on a bike ride with my son. The three of us love to watch storms and storm "chase."  I live in Oklahoma so we are right in the middle of Tornado alley.  We don't get tornados very often, but there are watches or warnings nearly everyday during this time.  The devastation of a tornado is not something to joke about and is certainly not fun but the thrill of chasing a storm or just watching it pass over is extremely exciting.  When I say storm I don't mean tornado. Oh no I would be in my basement if a tornado was actually passing over!!  I have actually only seen a handful of tornados in my lifetime and that is enough.  What about you guys? Do you like Spring? Do you like to watch storms? Do you have tornados where you live?  If not what other kind of natural disatures do you have to worry about?

Reminders

Friday at lunch I had to go to the post office for my job.  By the way I HATE the post office.  Line out the door and one worker = a forty five minute wait.  I don't know why I let it bother me it's not like i'm not getting paid to stand in line and wait.  Who likes to wait though even if they are getting paid?  Super uber annoying!  Anyway while I was standing there waiting I heard the most precious laugh I hadn't heard in along time.  You know that sweet little  belly laugh that seems to happen right around when a baby is 6-9 months?  So I looked over and noticed a mother standing in line hold her precious little baby girl who was just laughing  away at what i'm still not too sure.  I couldn't help but look for a minute and laugh myself.  Then I remembered Alex at that age...oh how it seems just like yesterday and now in two months he will be 9! Everyone tells you that you "forget" your child ever being that small.  I never knew what that meant until he started growing up.  I always just shook my head but inside I was like "whatever I will NEVER forget this!"  Well hmmm you do forget! I mean you KNOW they were that small, but you just simply forget what it felt like to hold them.  So then a few minutes after I had my Alex flash back I of course started feeling sorry for myself.  I started longing to hold a baby once again and hear that sweet belly laugh.  Then something popped into my head that I have never really given much though to and it made me very sad.  What if I never have a baby? What if Alex never has a sibling that he can become close to?  How sad would that be? Luckily I was snapped back to reality before things got too ugly when the counter lady said "next!".  Whew saved by the bell so to speak.  I guess i'm doing a little better...I haven't had a pity party since here.  Yay!
Well I hope you guys had a great weekend!! 

Pictures count as a post rite?

I love my family!!!!

Wow has he changed or what?!  My baby is growing up...

Well I hope everyone had a great weekend!  We are just enjoying spending time together and playing outside in this beautiful weather we are having!!

Simple pleasure

I love this picture. I think his face says it all!

How did I forget?

How did I forget to ask the doctor about Clomid while I was at my appointment  when that was the whole point of going??  Well maybe not the whole point but it was a big reason I went.  How did I sit there for over an hour and simply forget? I just don't know...wow maybe I really am getting old.  Oh well I plan to make another appointment soon.  I tried calling just to see if maybe by chance that would be something that could be called in..ha ha ha. Not a chance!  I'm convinced they just want my moolah.

Oh yes, before I forget, head on over to the Smith Family Scoop to see how you can participate in the Carnival that is being held for sweet little Gavin's medical fund!!

Have a blessed weekend!!

Challenge

I love blogging.  I love everything about it...the writing, the freedom to express my thoughts, the friends I have made and most of all I love reading your stories!  I'm kinda lazy though when it comes to the actual writing part.  I have good intentions, but somehow someway life just happens and I don't make time.  So I am challenging myself.  Today is March 4th and I am planning to write a post each and every single day until April 4th.  Who knows maybe I might even surprise myself and write a couple of posts a day here and there!  How about you guys? Up for the challenge?!

Hope

I am hoping this month is the month I see two lines. I'm praying this is the month I see two lines.  Do I have faith that I will see two lines?? Not really.  Hmmm are hope and praying the same as faith?  I have never thought about it this way. I mean if I have faith in God while i'm praying then I should have faith right?  Ugh I don't know the answer. 

Please say a Prayer

Over the last several months I have followed Jenn's blog and her story is heartbreaking.  It hits so close to home to me I think because her son and my son are so close in age.  I just can not fathom what her and her husband are going thru.  I thank God everyday for my son.  I know at any moment he could be taken home but I am selfish. I want Alex here with me for as long as possible.  No parent should EVER have to bury their child. It's just not fair.  When I started out reading blogs about two years ago I never imagined all of the stories I would come across.  All of the heartache I would read.  It really has made me realize how lucky I am and I feel so blessed.  However I know that I could just as easily be one of the people that I am reading about.  I realize now how easily things can change in just an instant.  Things may not be perfect in my life rite now. They are actually very far from it, but I am so thankful that for the most part everyone in my family is healthy.  I really needed a perspective check today! I was having quite the pity party! Hope everyone has a great week!!