Super Awesome Giveaway!!!

Ok guys head on over to MckMama's site to enter in this contest for a chance to win an HP Touchsmart Computer!!! Wow! I'm sooo excited for the opportunity to win. Good luck everyone!!

The hardest month yet

Well this has definitely been the hardest month yet in regards to not being pregnant. You see I was late this month. Not just a couple days late...really late. So there was hope. More hope than any other month to date. I like to post on here when I actually start my period each month that way I can go back and check the dates. Kinda like an online calendar of sorts. (I'm not the greatest at keeping track on an actual calendar!) So when I got on here and realized that I hadn't had my period since rite around October 19th I got pretty excited. I don't have the normal 28 day cycle so I knew I wasn't THAT late. I have rite around a 40 day cycle and should have started around November 27th. So yippee I was a week late! I went to the drug store and bought a test (much against my better judgment). Once I got the little thing home I was very anxious to take it. I just kept praying and praying two lines would appear. Did they? Nope. However, I didn't let that get me down. I had already looked online to see how far along I would be if I actually were pregnant and it said 4 weeks, which might not show a positive result yet. Am I grasping for straws? Probably. Well actually I was because much to my disappointment my not so great friend showed her face the following evening. After a week of hopes and dreams it was all crushed into fifty million pieces by one trip to the bathroom. Fair? Not really, but oh well. We have to just keep pushing forward and keep on praying! I HAVE to remain positive right now because life sure is taking lots of not so great turns. I have been hesitant to post on here until I had a little bit to come to terms with things. I mean after all we all have our health and that you can't put money on. So I kinda feel guilty for even griping because I know there are so many people out there right now that are dealing with so much more. So much that I couldn't even begin to imagine their pain and sorrow. However, this is my place to vent. The one place I have that I can speak my mind and hope not to be judged. So here we go! The last month has sucked to put it plain and simple. We have NO money. None zippo nadda. Where is that nice nest egg savings? Hmmm...well it got spent on three trips to Florida last year and the burial of my mom. So it's gone and hasn't been replenished. This month my husband lost his job and we are patiently waiting on unemployment to kick in. Then my car broke down and we have no idea how much it's going to cost to fix it. We have one running car, but let me tell you it's old and I'm scared that any day now it's going to kick the bucket. Bad timing? Kinda!! I'm worried that I won't have enough money to get my son Christmas presents, although I'm pretty sure it will be covered by my Christmas bonus. Oh wow let's hope I get that!!! So there is no wonder I was late now that I think about it. Stress tends to do those things. I am so grateful though that we are all healthy and I thank God EVERY SINGLE DAY for the time he is giving me with Alex. I know things will get better. It's just rite now it's kinda hard to actually see it.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving!! Please be safe as you travel from place to place.

I am so thankful for my child's health, my family and that I am here to enjoy another Thanksgiving!!!

Thank you!

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your kind words of encouragement. You guys have know idea how good it feels to read your comments. I don't really have any friends in the "real" world that I can relate to rite now when it comes to my infertility issue. To read all of your stories and comments makes me feel like I fit in somewhere. Does that make sense? It's nice to know that the feelings that I am having are normal. I find myself feeling like this terrible person for feeling the way I do. I have met so many wonderful people since I started blogging and hope to meet many more. I love to read your stories!! So I just wanted to say Thank you!

Wordless Wednesday

Halloween was so much fun this year! Alex was the Grim Reaper (or so that's what we called it anyways...not really sure what he was!) I was a Devil (a nice one) and Steven was well I'm not really sure about that either. Steven and I threw our costumes together last minute as usual. Actually, I thought Steven's turned out the best. This picture really doesn't do his costume justice. He looked hilarious!! He played the part even better, which if you know Steven that is a huge deal. He gets sooo embarrassed about this kind of stuff, but this year he kinda let loose. I was proud of him!! We went trick or treating in a couple of different neighborhoods and Alex hit the candy jackpot! Ok I better stop or this is gonna turn into Wordy Wednesday....hmmm maybe that's an idea.

Halloween 2009.

I Will NEVER Understand This!

When I read things like this on the news it makes me so angry. So when I heard this on the news yesterday I was enraged and shocked. I used to live about twenty minutes from Nichols Hills. It is a suburb of Oklahoma City where alot of prominent people live. The homes are beautiful and it is considered to be very upper class. Does that really matter? Not really. This just further proves my theory that it doesn't matter how rich or poor you are we are all human and EVERYONE has problems. My question is why did no one see this coming? Evidently this doctor had been treated for severe depression since the early 1990's. There had to be warning signs. Maybe it's because this little boy is so close to Alex's age that it hit close to home. I just can't imagine anyone hurting a child let alone by their own parent(s). Please let's all say a prayer for this sweet little boy's mother. She survived the attack, but I'm sure mentally and emotionally she is just beside herself. I can't imagine what she is going through rite now.

Tommy Wolf - earned his Angel Wings 11/16/09

One year ago...

I can't believe it's been an entire year. A year since I heard your voice. A year since I said "I love you". A year since we chatted about the weather and our dogs. A year since I got that dreaded phone call no one wants to get. A year since you died and heaven gained an Angel. Mom, I love you and miss you more than words can express. I miss our Sunday morning chats and still find myself picking up the phone to call you. Oh if you could only see Peetie!! He is so happy and loves to run and play with the other dogs. He especially loves to play with Hammie...they run, roll around on the ground together and dig together!! He loves to curl under the blankets at night and snuggles with Alex. Alex loves to hear me tell funny stories about Peetie "The Great Big Chihuahua". Peetie LOVES to eat tortillas and still hates thunderstorms with a passion. He is such a special dog. He was with you in your final hours and I know he misses you. Sometimes I find him laying on your coat for comfort.
Alex has gotten so big!! He is almost to my shoulders now and weighs over sixty pounds! He loves school and has straight A's. He is looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. His Christmas list is already made of course. He likes to hear stories about you and I only wish he could have gotten to know you better.
I love Thanksgiving and I always think of the time we ate Thanksgiving dinner at Mamaw's house in her bedroom. She was too sick to get out of bed so we ate rite there in her room. Remember that? Such a wonderful day and special memory! I miss you so much mom. I know someday we will see each other again but until that day I will continue to miss you and wish you were here with me.
I love you!
Andrea Leigh

P.S. B-B-B I LOVE IT!!!!!
XO XO XO

Hiding the pain

Over the weekend I had to face the pain and deal with it. I had to fake being happy and excited. What did I have to face? My husbands cousin who recently found out she was expecting baby number 3. What happens when you get an entire room full of family? All they can do is talk about the upcoming baby. The room is filled with excitement. Is it my excitement? Nope. However, I did say congratulations with the biggest smile on my face and excitement in my voice. I really felt sad and angry that I wasn't the one getting congratulated. I was praying that no one noticed the pain in my eyes. Did I pull it off? I hope so.

Disguise the Turkey

Alex recently had a school project that was called "disguise the turkey." The goal was to disguise a turkey so he would be safe this Holiday season. When we first got the assignment I was a little worried. For those of you who don't know I am NOT the least bit crafty. I have ideas in my head, but they never come to life. So to say the least I was pretty nervous about this project. I encouraged Alex to brainstorm for ideas and told him he would be doing a majority of the leg work, but of course we would help him if needed. So I googled ways to disguise a turkey and off we went! Luckily I had just obtained a large amount of baby clothes from my sister in law...figured I might as well take them just in case we needed them because they were just going to be sold in a garage sale. (Yes i'm really hoping for that baby!). I came across some great ideas, but one in particular stuck out. I ran my idea across Alex and of course his initial response was "No, I don't like that" followed by giving me a look like I was crazy and didn't no ANYTHING. (Gotta love this age). However, I insisted and so off we went. End result?

A turkey disguised as a baby! (Thank goodness for the spare baby clothes!)

He loved the idea once it came to life! I was told this was my best idea ever and was given lots of hugs and kisses.

Backside view of Turkey Feathers

Up close and personal

This is the Turkey before we changed his face up a little. We stuffed the legs, arms, head and body with magazine pages.

Overall it was a fun project that we were able to work together on with Alex. Great family time even though it was school work!

Like salt in an open wound

I have been trying to wait a few days to post in order to get my arms wrapped around my emotions a little better. However, I find myself just as upset today as I was two days ago....so I decided to go ahead and post something. Hopefully I will feel better afterwards! Ok so as most of you know Steven and I are trying to have a baby. We have BEEN trying now for quite some time with obviously NO luck. I no, I no it will happen when it's meant to happen...or at least that's what everyone keeps telling me including Steven. How he remains so positive I don't no. BUT what if it NEVER happens? This questions haunts me pretty much on a daily basis. I absolutely HATE feeling the way I do especially towards other people who are pregnant. I don't want to be this jealous hateful person anymore, but I don't know how to get it under control. A few days ago I found out that my husbands cousin is expecting her third child. She has a two year old, a one year old and now she is pregnant again. When I read her myspace update that they were expecting again my first thought was "this is not fair." Then came anger, tears, jealousy, etc. Am I truly 100% happy for them? No i'm not. There I said it. I'm NOT happy....i'm pissed. Does this make me a bad person? Maybe, but i'm only human. I'm sure after a little bit of time has passed so will these emotions. I am just hoping that by blogging about this it will help me get this under control so I can fully embrace the joys of our soon to be new family member. At this moment in time, however, when I hear news of people expecting it's just like someone is pouring salt in an open wound.

Blond no more!!

Over the weekend we attended a birthday party that was Halloween themed. All of the kids got to dress up and they had so much fun. Last year Alex was Ghost Rider. This year we bought his costume (Transformers) really early because all of the stores here had them out at the end of August, which by the way I think is ridiculous! So you know of course when it's actually time to wear the costume we can't find it! I have no idea where it could possibly be...it's not like my house is super huge or anything. Anyways, I refuse to buy a new costume so we are recycling last years. I figured he would throw a fit, but he was actually ok with it. I'm not sure what he is but I really thought it turned out good and it was so much fun getting him ready.

This picture cracks me up because he looks sooo serious.

So when we got home that evening he was looking in the mirror and says to me "Mom, don't you think my hair looks better like this when it's long? You know black?" I said "Yes, actually I do like it dark when it's long. Hmmm would you like to dye it black?" He could barely get yes out of his mouth before he was running out of the bathroom yelling to Steven what the "plan" was. Later that evening, after we had washed off all of the hairspray dye and face paint we headed to Walmart to get black hair dye. His natural hair color is dark brown/almost black, but he has had the blond in his hair for over a year now. He LOVES to color his hair.

Before we colored his hair (This pic was taken this summer at the lake. He has on pink Tinkerbell shorts in this picture because that's all we had that was dry. He was SO embarrassed!!)

Seriously mom how much longer till we are done??

We are almost there! Only five more minutes!!

The end result!! Jet black with a tint of blue. Oh so handsome!

Wow is all I could say when we were finished! It looks so different after seeing Blond for a year now. The blue was kind of an accident. I didn't realize that the blond tips would turn blue. I really like it, but I was afraid his school would get mad. Luckily they haven't said a word!

Wow what a difference!!

This was such a fun experience! Plus I got his undivided attention for a whole 30 minutes while we were waiting on the dye to be finished "cooking" as he liked to put it. We had a great conversation about various topics and he couldn't run off from me to do something else! Hmmm maybe I need to dye his hair more often??!

Have a great Wednesday!!!

Guess it was my imagination...

Cause I got the monthly visitor bright and early this morning. Oh well that's ok! I am keeping my spirits up and I'm in a pretty good mood (aside from the terrible pms I am experiencing). I mean really what else can we do at this point? I am hopeful that we will get pregnant in the near future, but if we don't there are other options. Those options may seem damn near impossible at this point in my life but where there is a will there is a way right?!
I hope everyone is having a great week so far. Sorry this is short but it's almost five and I gotta head home!

Come on already!!!!!

I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs rite now. Hell I may just throw myself a good old fashioned temper tantrum. Why? Because I STILL have not started my period and I STILL have not gotten a for sure positive pregnancy test. I am almost certain that I am not pregnant this month, but why oh why can't I just start my period? I am now officially 4 days late. FOUR!!! Mother nature sure is cruel. Hopes get brought up to the highest of all levels and then are shot down to the lowest depths after one trip to the restroom. The few tests that I have taken have not shown a dark positive. It's the faintest thing I have ever seen so more than likely it's either A) my imagination or B) an evaporation line. Oh and by the way did you know that you CAN get a false positive test if the cup you use to pee in has any soap residue left in it? I did not know this. See I can't sit down and aim my pee on those sticks. It just doesn't work out for me at all. So I have to pee in a cup and then dip. Gross? Yes, but that's the way I have to do it. Otherwise it's just a big mess and a wasted test. Anyways, I'm 32 and trust me in my lifetime I have taken SEVERAL pregnancy tests. Never ever have I gotten a false positive. So when I took this test and it turned almost immediately positive and the line was dark I got soooo excited. I just knew I was pregnant. (Side note: This happened several months ago) Well evidently the cup I peed in had some invisible soap residue left in it. So guess my pee cup was actually the one pregnant. Talk about being disappointed, heartbroken and pissed off at the world!!! Just a little FYI for you guys use a sterile cup to pee in.
Anyways I just wish I would either start my period since I pretty much no i'm not preg this month. I want to start so we can try again. I am really trying hard to put all of my faith in God rite now, but i'm just going to be honest with you guys it is very hard at the moment.

Playing the waiting game!

Waiting, waiting and more waiting. That's what we are up to over in Pottsville. What are you waiting on you might ask? Either an unwanted visit from Mother Nature or a big fat POSITIVE pregnancy test. I'm of course hoping for the latter. Did I mention I absolutely despise pregnancy tests? I mean it's almost become an unhealthy obsession of mine. I can't tell you how many of them I have bought first off. Secondly, after I take the test I stare. Then I stare some more at that tiny little test strip. Is there a line? Is that a faint little line I see?! Then I stare some more and hold it up to a light. This will go one for awhile. Then I put it down and come back and stare some more. Then I get my husband and make him examine the test all the while I'm asking him "Do you see a line???!!!" Bless his heart I no he gets annoyed but he humors me. It was probably fun the first couple of times he looked at the tests but now i'm sure he is thinking just come and get me when the line is so dark it's nearly black! Has anyone else done this or am I just loosing my mind?!!! I am a couple days late, but my period has been known to be irregular....so i'm not holding my breath by any means. I have taken a couple of tests but no "clear" positive so I'm going to say they were negative. I'm sure it was probably just one of those annoying evaporation lines! Do I feel like mother nature is right around the corner? Yep, which is very discouraging. I have cramps of course but the other signs of PMS are at bay right now. I just keep reminding myself that I had cramps with my son as well. Just say a little prayer for us that we might actually get that for sure so dark it's almost black positive this time! I will keep you posted!

My First Recollection of Abuse

The first time I remember my mother abusing me was when I was six. My mom was an alcoholic and when she drank she became a very mean person. For various reasons her and my dad divorced when I was five. As I remember things after the divorce is when mom began to drink heavily. That is when the abuse began. So back to my first memory. I was six and in the first grade. It was a school night so we were off to bed early. I still slept in the bed with my mom (which is a whole other issue and post). I remember we were lying in bed watching Johnny Carson. She had her favorite drink in hand which was a whiskey on the rocks. I curled up next to her so we could snuggle. She was tipsy but not drunk by any means. I remember looking up at her and she smiled, told me goodnight and kissed my forehead. I drifted off to sleep in the comfort of my mommy’s arms and good ole Johnny Carson playing in the background. Now that I think back it is so odd how I can remember the sounds in the background. Still to this day when I watch old re-runs of Johnny Carson it brings back floods of memories both good and bad. Anyway, I don’t know how long I had been asleep. I don’t know how long she had sat there continuing to drink. All I do no is that I was awoken by her slapping my head and face repeatedly. I was so confused. Was I dreaming? What had I done wrong? My first thought was do I have a bug on my head?? Is she trying to kill the bug??? I soon realized there was no bug. I looked into her eyes and no longer saw my mom. I saw a stranger. Her usually sparkling eyes were anger and rage filled. At this point I was still very confused and somewhat still asleep. This had never happened before. Hell I don’t even remember her ever spanking me before this night. I jumped up and quickly got off of the bed. Now we were facing each other from across the bed. She was so angry at me and still to this day I have no idea why. She proceeded to chase me around the room and down the hallway. She was yelling and screaming at me. There were moments when she would catch me. In those moments she would slap my head, face and upper body along with pulling my hair. I was so terrified. Who was this monster and why was she doing this to me? Where was my mom? I don’t remember how long all of this went on or why it finally ended. It did finally end that night. The next morning when I awoke I was so scared. Was she going to hit me again? Was she still angry? I heard her bustling around in the kitchen so I slowly crept down the hallway. When I reached the entrance to the kitchen I saw her standing at the counter making me breakfast. She looked up and saw me standing there. She smiled and her eyes sparkled. I knew instantly that the person standing before me was my mom. The relief I felt is indescribable. Later in the day after she picked me up from school she apologized. “I’m sorry about what happened last night. It will never happen again.” I told her it was ok and felt so relieved because she had told me it would never happen again. Little did I no that later that night it would happen again and every night after that for the next five years. The only thing that stopped was the apologies.

Child Hood Abuse

This is something I have been hesitant to address on my blog. After all this started out as just a way to keep a journal about Alex and our Family. However, childhood abuse is something that hits close to home. It is something that that used to be very hard for me to talk about. It was easier to just “forget” about it. I was very good at putting on a winner smile and convincing everyone around me that I was ok. I really wasn’t ok. Inside I was hurting. The years of abuse I endured as a child at the hands of my mother has affected my adult life in more ways than one. It has made me question God and tested my faith. I have asked Him “why me?’ more times than I can count. I have been on a never ending quest to figure out why it happened. Finally after many many years of asking why I have come to the conclusion that there is no answer. Does that mean I still don’t ask why? Nope. I ask all of the time. I am just better able to answer the question.

Something that I have realized is that there are so many people out there that are dealing with similar issues. If I can help at lease one person out there maybe that will help me better understand why it happened to me. Maybe God had this all planned out. Maybe my purpose in life is to help others. Am I totally convinced this is why it happened? Nope. However it feels so good to not that maybe, just maybe I can help someone else. A counselor once told me that children who are abused seek out other abused children to be their friends. She went on to say that we have no idea that we are even doing it and may never realize our friends have similar problems. She said that this behavior (if that’s how you want to define it) carries over into adulthood. What she told me has stuck with me my entire life. Is it true? Absolutely!! Since elementary school I have surrounded myself with friends that are survivors of childhood abuse. Did I know they were survivors when I first became friends with them? Nope. It was only after many months’ even years that I figured it out.

A few years ago I sat down with a pen and piece of paper and wrote down all of my close (and not so close) childhood friends. Nine out of ten of them had been abused. I began to wonder is everyone abused as kids?? I don’t think so! It’s just this strange phenomenon per say that draws all of us survivors together. I have decided that I am going to tell my story in hopes that I can help others….even if it’s just one.

Dam-in

The other day Alex was playing rock band and decided he would take a break from playing the drums and sing. I'm sure most of you know that the singing part on rock band is just like karaoke. The words appear on the t.v. for you to follow. Anyway I was outside doing something in the yard when he came bopping outside to tell me how good he did and then to ask me a question.

Alex: Mom what does "dam - in" mean?
Me: dam in? I have no idea what you are talking about.
Alex: It is a word on the song and I don't know what it means. You know mom "dam-in".
(I for the life of me cannot remember what the name of the song is that he was even singing. I'm sure it will come to me in the middle of the night.)

Hmmm I have no idea what he is talking about at this point. Dam in?? So I asked him to spell it for me.
Alex: It's spelled d.a.m.n
I immediately erupted in laughter which confused the heck out of him.
Alex: Why is "dam in" so funny?
Me: Well baby that's not "dam in" that is "damn". You know the not so nice word you aren't allowed to say?!
Then we both erupted in laughter. Light bulb goes on! He was like ohhhh!! Well I'll just keep saying "dam in" if that's ok. I sometimes forget just how confusing words can be and all of the rules that go along with them.

Now i'm wondering what other choice words are on that game that I haven't noticed. I'm going to really miss it when he gets older and these little innocent moments are non-existent. I need to do a post where I put down all of the words he used to mispronounce and all of the cute things he did as a baby so I don't forget them. Maybe I will start working on that really soon!!
Hope everyone has a great Wednesday!

Mom I wish I had friends

This statement came out of Alex's mouth a couple of nights ago while we were laying in bed snuggling before bedtime. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I thought he had friends. Then I started to feel myself panic. You see when I was his age (it started about 3rd of 4th grade) I was the kid in the class that was picked on. You know the one that everyone makes fun of and laughs at on a daily basis?? Yep that was me. I HATED school. I had only one friend in 4th grade and I will never forget her. She was picked on as well so I thought she needed a friend. Her name was Becky. She was over weight, smelly and her clothes were always dirty. BUT she was an awesome friend!! Anyway back to Alex. I didn't want him to see my panic and fear (Thank God it was dark in his room) so I began to casually ask him questions about his friends or lack thereof. Our conversation went something like this:



Me: So

Not this month

Well mother nature has paid it's monthly visit today. I am more than disappointed but not surprised. I really had no hope of a positive pregnancy test this month. Negative thoughts have consumed me lately. Maybe that's why I wasn't surprised this morning. Any old hoo all we can do is attempt to stay positive and try again for next month!!

Bitter Sweet

Exactly two weeks ago today my sister in law gave birth to my beautiful niece Trinity. That day was bitter sweet for me. You see my sis in law and I found out we were pregnant around the same time. I took a test about a week before she did and they were one of the first people we called to tell. About a week later she called and said you are never going to believe this I just took a pregnancy test and it's positive! The squeals of excitement could be heard for miles away. We began talking about how much fun it was going to be being pregnant together and all of the things we were going to do. The next day her and her husband, who is my husbands brother, came over for dinner. We talked about the symptoms we were already having and ate more food than an army would have. As they were leaving we said our usual goodbyes, but this time everyone was so much more emotional. We were going to become mothers and aunts basically at the same time!
One week later she had her first doctors appointment and I began miscarrying. I began having cramps a few days earlier but I just refused to believe there was something wrong. It was on a Wednesday around noon and I was on my lunch break. I had gone to the park as usual and was just sitting in my car praying for the cramps to stop. It hurt so bad. My phone rang and it was my sister in law. She had gone to her first appointment and had called to tell me all about it. You no all of the first doctor appointment fun stuff like how far along she was and how fast the babies heart was beating. I just sat there and listened. I didn't want to ruin her excitement so I sat quietly as she told her me all of the details. Then she asked how I was doing and when I was going to the doctor. I said fine and in a few days. We said our goodbyes and I hung up and began crying. I knew my first appointment wasn't going to be like it should be. I sat a little longer in my car and then I headed off to run a few errands for my boss. By the time I got to my first stop I was in so much pain I could barely walk. I finally decided that I needed to find a restroom. I locked myself in the bathroom stall and sat down on the toilet and that's when my biggest fear was confirmed. There was blood everywhere. Of course I freaked out. To this day I don't no if I actually screamed out loud or not. I somehow managed to find my way out of the bathroom and building where I was then able to frantically call my husband. I don't remember much of our conversation. All I no is I managed to get out miscarriage and emergency room.
The rest is pretty much a blur. I no we waited for what seemed like forever in the ER. I no that I was in terrible pain. It felt like labor pains without the happy ending. I remember the exam and the doctor telling me what was happening. I remember looking at Steven and seeing pain and disappointment written all over his face. There really wasn't much to be done. I wasn't really that far along so the doctor said I more than likely wouldn't need a D&C. He said my body would "get rid" of everything naturally. Get rid of everything naturally? Seriously? Where did he get his bedside manner? Then I was given a piece of paper that explained what was happening to me. I think it was title something like "spontaneous abortion." Nice. Do these people not realize they are talking about my unborn child??? My baby that we were already dreaming about meeting??? I kept telling myself and Steven "well at least it happened now and not later when I was further along." Did I really feel that way? Nope. I just kept thinking if I say it out loud I will feel better. As the days and weeks passed, I kept asking myself am I aloud to mourn? I mean after all my baby was smaller than the size of a pea and I hadn't even got to hear the heartbeat. So was I really even considered pregnant? All of these thoughts were consuming my mind. On the outside I appeared fine, but on the inside I was a mess. To make matters worse every week I got the weekly update on my sister in laws pregnancy. How perfect everything was going and how excited they were. I felt resentful. Why did she get to keep her baby and I didn't? Then I would feel guilty for thinking that way. I mean what kind of person was I anyways? This was my sister in law and unborn niece we were talking about!! It was a no win situation. So I just started to distance myself. I felt like I had no choice.
So two weeks ago was very bitter sweet. When I got to hold my niece for the first time almost all of the bitter feelings went away. I was filled with joy and excitement. However I still felt a sense of lost and sadness. It made me wonder what would he/she have looked like? What would we have named him/her? What would the nursery have looked like? Which outfit would we have taken the baby home in? Do these thoughts ever go away?? They are on the backburner of my mind most days, but I still have my moments. I don't know if it will ever get any easier.....

I can't wait for college....

The other night Alex and I were laying there snuggling in his room as we do every night. It has become our evening ritual to snuggle and talk for about 15 minutes before he goes to bed. It's my favorite part of the day!! You never know what is going to come out of his mouth considering he is trying desperately to figure out a way to keep from going to bed. So we are laying there snuggling and he says "Mom, I can't wait to go to college." I was so happy to hear those words come out of his mouth, but I didn't want to seem too happy. Sometimes if I seem to happy about stuff then he changes his mind! I told him I was excited for him to go to college and that he would have so much fun. I told him about my first year of college and my roommate. I talked about dorm life and how exciting it was.
He was quiet for a little bit and then he said "Mommy, do you know the only thing about college that i'm NOT going to like?"
I said "No baby what is that?"
He says "I won't be able to snuggle with you before bedtime anymore!"

My heart melted at that very moment. I went on to assure him things would be ok and that he could come home and visit me whenever he wanted. He doesn't realize that by the time he gets to be 18 he won't want to snuggle with his mom anymore. I'm not going to let him in on that little secret just yet! I'm going to enjoy these moments while they last!!!

Duggars expecting their 19th child!?

Ok I'm just not too sure how to feel about this. 19 kids?? wtf? To each his/her own has always been my motto, but when do you draw the line? They seem like really good parents, but even the best parent in the world has their limits. How can they give each child individual attention like they need? There is no way they can meet all of their emotional needs. Oh and let's not forget they have sold out to reality television. I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing if I was in their shoes, but now it seems more like a circus act. You can visit their family website here and see pictures of their VERY nice home. You will also see a display of pictures that show overly happy almost staged looking children. It just seems really weird to me. A little too perfect. Now let's talk finances. I am amazed at how expensive one child is let alone 19. How do they afford all of it? How do they afford that big beautiful home? You might say it's none of my business and you are probably right. I'm just curious how do they do it??? Maybe they could offer the rest of us who are struggling some tips?! On their website it tells of how the older children help with the younger children. Is that fair to the older kids? They are having to help raise babies? I think that after they probably got past 7 or 8 kids they figured out they could make ALOT of money by having more and that's how they ended up where they are today. What do you guys think?

Baby issues

If anyone out there has any advice or information regarding infertility issues please feel free to contact me. I would love to hear from you! It is so nice to find people that have the same kind of stuff going on in their lives.
Wow it feels so great to be back in the swing of things and back to blogging!! I have really missed it!

A Sign

It was about 9:00 p.m. and I had gone to the grocery store with Alex. We had navigated each aisle of the store making sure we didn't forget anything and by the time we reached the check out counter I was exhausted. So we checked out and headed out the door. I was in a hurry because a storm was headed right towards us and I wanted to make it home before it started pouring down rain. I walked through the automatic doors pushing the very heavy and awkward cart while Alex went thru the manual doorway. Their was an elderly lady walking behind me with her bags of groceries. I really wasn't paying much attention to her because I was trying to hustle Alex along. Next thing I hear is change falling to the ground so I looked over only to see that this poor little lady had dropped her change purse. ALL of her change had dumped onto the ground. I shouted out to Alex to wait on me and he came running over to see what was going on. He sees this lady struggling with her sacks of groceries while attempting to bend over to pick up the mess. So he decided he would be a little gentleman and go help her. He picked up every last piece of change and put it back into her purse and then handed it to her and said "here you go ma'am". She looked at him with such appreciation and then looked at me. (I'm thinking ok what alien just took over my kids body?!)
Our conversation went something like this:
She says "What did you say his name was?" At this moment I notice that she has tears in her eyes.
I said "His name is Alex."
She paused for a moment and then says "That was my husbands name." From the way she said it I am assuming that he just recently passed away.
Then she went on to say "Isn't this a sign from him or what?!"

She said thank you once again and we just smiled at each other and went on our way. I thanked Alex for helping her and made a huge deal out of his kindness. He asked me "Mom what did she mean isn't this a sign?" I said "Well her husband's name was Alex and I think he must have died recently. She must have felt that he was hear with her in spirit and was giving her a sign to let her know." He was satisfied with my answer and we carried on with our trip home. While I was driving I got to thinking about names. I don't no any elderly person with the name Alex. Then I got to thinking wow that really was a sign from her husband! It was one of the neatest experiences I have had in a long time. I can only hope that the nice lady at the grocery store found some comfort in knowing that her husband may not be here physically but he certainly hasn't left her all alone!

My Friday Rant!

I work at a small law firm as a paralegal/everything else. Part of my job entails answering the phone. Most of the time answering the phone is no big deal and can actually be kind of fun. HOWEVER there are those calls out there that drive me crazy. It's the sneaky telemarketers. You know the one's that try to trick you into thinking they are maybe an actual client or even a personal friend of whomever they are calling??! Here is how my conversation went with one today:
Me: Law office (this is my standard way of answering the phone)
Sneaky guy: Hello! Is Joe Bob there?!
Me: No he's not in at the moment may I take a message?
Sneaky guy: Ya this is Ron! (sounding like he is Joe Bob's long lost best friend from grade school)
Me: Ok Ron what?
Sneaky guy: Ron
Me: (I'm getting annoyed at this point) Ok RON. Will Joe Bob no what it is regarding?
Sneaky guy: Ummm no actually this is my first time to call.
Me: Oh ok (I got kind of excited thinking he might have a new case) Do you have a new case or legal issue?
Sneaky guy: Ummm no.
Me: (I'm thinking should I just hang up or get his number??) What is your call back number (which is happened to be local. Even more sneaky)
Sneaky guy: 555-1234
Me: Ok is there anything else
Sneaky guy: oh yes, my extension....

Rite then I knew for sure what I had expected about 1 minute into the conversation that he a telemarketer. I really HATE dealing with them. I no they are just doing their job but it is still so damn annoying. I have even had one guy about a year ago call ME back yelling at me because I hung up on him. WTF??? Since when is it good business to call a potential customer back and yell at them??
Ugh! Anyways just needed a little blog therapy while i'm waiting on 5 o'clock to get here. Have a great weekend!

Infertility

I have been really hesitant to post about this subject. I guess a part of me doesn't want to even say the word out loud. You no the dreaded thing called infertility. I haven't been told by a doctor that I can't have anymore children but I am obviously having trouble getting pregnant. My dh and I have been trying for over a year now and still no luck. Actually I did get pregnant awhile back but I had a miscarriage. Even though I wasn't that far along it was definitely the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Not only was it physically painful it was also very emotional. I can't put into words how it made me feel. To look over at Steven's face when the doctor told me I was miscarrying and see the pain and hurt in his eyes was almost unbearable. Let alone the disappointment. However we made a pact with one another that we wouldn't let it get us down and that all we could do was keep trying. Well we have been trying ever since then with no luck at all. I am going to turn 33 in April and I really feel like my time is running out. It definitely isn't on my side. If you would have told me ten years ago that I would have this much trouble trying to have a second child I would have told you that you were c.r.a.z.y! I got pregnant by accident with Alex. It happened so quickly and obviously so easily. Best "accident" that has ever happened to me by the way! I look at other women when we are out in public with their small babies and I can't help but feel jealous. I feel angry that I'm not the one pushing a stroller and changing dirty diapers. I get angry when I over hear other mothers of small babies complaining about how hard it is and how tired they are. I would give anything to be in their shoes. Sometimes I find myself getting angry at God and asking him why? I no He has a plan for me and that may not include a second child. That makes me even more angry. It seems so unfair to me that there are people in this world that are blessed with children who don't deserve them. You know the people we read about in the news that abuse and murder their kids. Those people don't deserve to be parents in my opinion yet they are. Why is that?
Not only has it affected me and my husband it has also affected Alex. He wants to badly to have a baby brother or sister. He asks all of the time when he will get one. It breaks my heart to tell him I don't know. All I do no is that we are going to keep trying. We just have to take it one month at a time and hope that one month very soon that little test will say positive!!!

First day of School!

I'm a little late on this post....like about a week late. Alex started 3rd grade on August 20th 2009! I can't believe my "baby" is in the third grade. It's unbelievable. This year he started a new school because his old elementary only went thru the 2nd grade. He was so excited and of course a little nervous. He couldn't wait to get dropped off. Of course it was raining so we didn't get to take many pictures. I decided that instead of just dropping him off I was going to walk him inside because we had no idea where his classroom was. They didn't give us the tour on enrollment night. He seemed ok with that idea as long as I didn't make a big scene i.e. lots of hugging, kissing, crying and picture taking. I told him I would "behave" myself and just walk "normal". Along the way I saw lots of other parents behaving "crazy like" as Alex puts it. One mom was taking pictures in the hallway another mom was crying and giving lots of kisses. I could see a look of relief on his face when I kept my word and didn't do anything embarrassing. We found his classroom without any problems and off he went without even a look back! He mumbled bye as he walked away and that was it. He is alot like me in new situations. He gets nervous and really quiet. So I fully expected not much of a goodbye from him. I made it out the front doors and then a few little tears started. They were both tears of happiness and sadness. I'm so happy that he loves school and that this year is going to bring many new adventures for us. On the other hand I'm so sad because time is just flying by. I just want to savor every moment! It seems just like yesterday I was walking him inside for his first day of Kindergarten!
All in all his first day went very well. When asked what he liked best about his first day it was without a doubt hands down the cafeteria. The cafeteria is huge compared to his old school plus they have a "real" salad bar with all of the fixings. He said they were also given larger portions and that the food was soooo much better. I'm sure it is the same food he ate last year prepared exactly the same way, but it's so much better because its new! I love to come home and hear about his day. I love that he still wants to tell me about his day. I feel so lucky to be his mom! I can't wait to see what this year brings us!

Grief is Sneaky

I never know when grief is going to sneak up on me. Literally for weeks at a time I will feel fine then boom. Out of nowhere I'm crying. I don't really understand it. I mean don't get me wrong I miss my mom so much and think about her all of the time, but I'm not sitting around everyday crying. I've actually been doing really well. Now there are just moments of unbearable sadness. I may hear a song on the radio or hear a noise outside that reminds me of her. The other day on the way home from work I had to stop and get gas. I walked in to pay and immediately there was a strong odor of cigarette smoke and perfume. It was almost overwhelming. For those of you that don't know (which I'm sure MOST of you don't) my mother was a CHAIN smoker. She had smoked as long as I can remember. Literally she would be smoking a cigarette and have another one in her hand ready to light. Anyways, she always smelled like smoke and perfume. The smell in the gas station instantly took me back to my childhood. I looked over to see where the smell was coming from and saw a lady that was probably in her late 40's. She was lost and asking for directions and in her hand was a cigarette case. Another reminder of mom. She ALWAYS had a cigarette case in her hand or nearby. So as I stood behind this lady waiting to pay for my gas I was flooded with memories. They were all good memories. I love to remember but at the same time it makes me extremely sad. I miss her so much and just want to pick up the phone and call her. So the cigarette lady went on her way and I paid for my gas. As I started walking back to my car I felt the tears creeping up on me. As I started driving home it hit me like a ton of bricks. So for the next 20 minutes I cried and sobbed and prayed I wouldn't get pulled over or in a wreck. By the time I made it home I was fine. I actually felt really good. I guess I just needed a good cry! Grief is now my sneaky little friend that likes to visit when I'd rather not have company.

End of an Era

My stepdad David passed away March 2, 2009. We all knew it was coming but it still doesn't make it any easier. Over the past few months after my mom died, David and I had grown closer. We talked at least once a week and had made plans for us to come visit again this summer. In the back of my mind I knew that David probably wouldn't be around for that visit, but I had hope. Hope that I would get to see him once again and go do all of the things we were planning. It is so strange to know that both y mom and David are gone. It is the end of an era of sorts. Their house will probably be put up for sale and everything that made the house special and unique will be gone. Even if we do visit it will never be the same. However, I am so glad that David is no longer suffering and that him and my mom are smiling down on me from Heaven. I am comforted in knowing that I will see them again one day...hopefully later than sooner.
On another note please pray for McMama and baby Stellan. Hope everyone has a great week!!

I'm back....

Well I never really left. I have been keeping up with all of my favorite blogs. Reading them everyday religiously....I just haven't felt like posting anything on my own blog. These last few months have been kind of rough. Honestly I never expected the death of my mom to have affected me so much. You see I have been preparing myself for her death for a VERY long time. Over ten years. Her lifestyle was such that it just knew at any moment she could be gone. However when I finally got that dreaded phone call I wasn't prepared. I was devastated. I went through the motions of daily life. I drove to Florida and made arrangements for her body. I went through all of her things and loaded them into our truck. I even brought her dog home with us. Now her ashes sit in my bedroom and her things are stacked in a corner still in the boxes. I just can't bring myself to go through it yet. Her sweet little dog has adjusted to his new home. He will look at me sometimes with such sympathetic eyes. He is grieving too. My step dad, who we all figured would be the one to die first, is beside himself. I talked to him at least once a week to see how he's doing. He was given about a year to live just six months ago....so each day he wakes up to start another day is a blessing! He has such a positive attitude and says "oh what do those doctors know anyways!" He told me just last Sunday that as he lays in his hospital bed which is in the living room he looks out onto the Florida Room just waiting for my mom to shuffle through. He says he still hears Peetie (my mom's dog) walking through the house almost every night...that's impossible because Peetie is here. It breaks my heart that he is so lonely and sad. It also breaks my heart that when I saw him in November may very well have been the last time I will ever see him again.
I would also like to apologize to the lucky winners of my contests from the Blog Carnival. I have yet to get the gifts in the mail yet....HOWEVER I promise I will soon. I have not forgotten about you wonderful people who participated in my giveaways. Please forgive my tardiness!!
On a brighter side on things Alex is doing great! I praise God everyday for his health and thank God for giving him to me. He brightens my day and makes me laugh. I really don't know what I would do without him!! Well I am off to bed. I plan on posting more often from here on out!