He's Here!!

Ethan Daniel made his grand appearance November 3rd, 2010 at 1:23 p.m. weighing 5 pounds 2 ounches and 16 inches long. Everything happened so fast!  Our little man was 7 weeks early but is doing great.  He has been in the NICU for a week now and there still is no set time frame on when he will be coming home.  Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time.  We are so happy he is here but not having him home is so heartbreaking.  I know that he is in the best place rite now getting the care that he needs.  It's just not how I had it planned!! 

Drum Roll Please....

It's a BOY!!!!!!  We had an ultrasound done Tuesday and the doctor is pretty certain (like 85-90%) that this little bundle of joy is a boy.  He really wasn't wanting to cooperate though so we are having another ultrasound at my next appointment where they will recheck.  However I am going with it's a boy! I can't tell you how thrilled we are to add another boy to our family!  I will post more details about my appointment and of course ultrasound pics very soon! Things have just been crazy hectic around here...but that's no excuse :)

Have a blessed Thursday!

Ratatouille

Meet Ratatouille

This little guy was dropped at my feet by my rescue dog Chewey this past Saturday.  At first I freaked out.  For one I thought my dog was killing something right in front of me. When I realized that wasn't happening my mind was going in circles just trying to figure out what the heck it was!!  Three days ago there was ALOT less hair and it looked like I don't know what.  Of course I started screaming for Steven.  He comes running out (he may have even thought I was going into labor ) and when I point to the ground he looked back at me with this "Oh great" look.  He knew without a doubt that I was going to demand ask politely that we keep it. I mean how in the world could we just leave this tiny little baby outside to just die??? I immediatlely called my dad.  A few years ago he had saved a baby squirrel (interestingly enough his dog at the time dropped it at his feet. What are the odds?) and I wanted to get his opinion on what he might think it was...rat or squirrel?  It's really hard to tell.  I have discovered that most newborn rodents look alike.  I am however leaning more towards a rat for various reasons. Ugh you may say...a rat? Yep. I felt the same way 3 days ago and now I just can't get enough of the little guy.  It is absolutely amazing to watch him develop even though I am exhausted from the every 2 hour feedings.  Good practice for the baby!! (I will do a much needed pregnancy update soon!)
So here you have it guys.  Our newest member of the family Ratatouille!!

Isn't he tiny??

Precious!!

I'm still kickin!

Long time no post! I'm finally starting to feel a little better and have more energy.  I have been following everyone's blogs but as far as posting anything myself well as you can see I haven't been doing a good job of that.  I just haven't felt up to it lately but i'm going to make more of an effort!  I really want to document everything during this pregnancy!!  So what's new you ask? Well i'm 12 weeks...can you believe it??  Yep I think this coming Saturday I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief.  They say at 13 weeks your chance of miscarriage goes down dramatically. Yippee!!!!  As far as the symptoms i'm having thus far:

• I still throw up on occassion but not as bad. It's usually after I eat something greasy
• If I wait too long to eat (i'm talking even a few minutes can make a difference) I become very dizzy. 
• We are moving so I have had swollen feet already
• Ligament pain
• Mood swings that are out of control!  Poor hubby
• As far as food cravings - I love fruit and yogurt. I also could eat mexican food for every meal!

Oh and we had an ultrasound done at 9 weeks!!  I can't tell you how amazing it was to hear that little heartbeat for the first time!! We were so excited we got to hear it..neither of us were expecting to get to since it was so early.  I had to lay very still and hold my breath but we heard it and were able to see it on the screen as well.  I will try to update more often and post some pics soon!
Have a great week!!

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

For all of your prayers for the Smith family.  Gavin's MRI scan came back CLEAR yesterday!!! Thank God!!!!!  I can't tell you how happy this wonderful news makes me and how it really makes me realize the power of prayer.  God is so good guys....like I needed to tell you that though. I hope everyone has a great weekend! 
By the way I really need to do a pregnancy update!  I just haven't been feeling up to writing much.  Morning sickness or shall we say ALL DAY sickness has kicked in full force.  I will be 8 weeks this coming Saturday May 8, 2010. Can you believe it???  Only 4 more weeks to go till I i'm out of my first trimester! Wow!!  Keep us in your prayers!

Please Pray for the Smith Family

Please lift the Smith family up in prayer.  Their son Gavin has been experiencing several symptoms that leads them to believe it is possible that his cancer has returned.  This sweet family has been through so much the past couple of years that it just breaks my heart to even write this.  He goes in to have an MRI Thursday May 6, 2010.  Please pray for them as they face this head on.  Feel free to post this on your own blog and/or tell as many people as you can about him and ask them to pray as well.  Thank you!! Have a great Wednesday!

Sibling Rivalry...the dog version

We have a new addition to our growing family....a puppy.  I am a bleeding heart animal lover and when it comes to abandoned animals I just can't turn the other way.  We went to my in laws on Sunday and there she was just looking all cute and puppy like.  Someone had dumped her the day before and I knew that if we didn't take her home that she wouldn't make it...all puppies either wander off and get lost or get ran over out there. My in laws live in the country and it's just not puppy friendly.  Good news is that I have already found her a great home when she gets a little older and bigger.  We just can't keep her as much as we or should I say Alex and I want too.  For one we already have three dogs and adding one more plus a baby is too much.  Secondly she is going to be a pretty big dog.  We just don't have the room for a big dog in our small house.  I am happy to say that I am giving her to a dear friend of mine with a huge yard and we will get to see her pretty much anytime we would like!!  So anyway like I said we already have three dogs.  Peetie the seven-eight year old Jack Russell Chihuahua mix.  Lucky who is a five year old full bred Jack Russell Terrier (our first dog) and of course Hammie the two year old full bred Dachshund who is my baby.  Hammie is the most free spirited, humorous, loving, and goofy dog I have ever owned.  He is definitely a momma's boy and up until this point has been the "baby" of the family.  He has been around plenty of other animals.  We at one point had a cat who he absolutely adored.  We have dogsat our neighbors two dogs on numerous occassions and he has been fine.  Oh and i'm sure if memory serves me right that over the past two years that I have brought in one or two stray animals in need of rescuing.  Peetie tends to be our grump and we were worried that he would oh I don't know eat the puppy but as it turns out Peetie could care less.  Nope it's not Peetie that is the cause of concern.  It's Hammie who this morning actually got mad enough and snipped that the puppy.  Hammie is MAD. At first everything was cool and he seemed his usual loving free spirited self.  Then reality sunk in and he realized that this little thing was getting way more attention than he was and as it so happens he doesn't like that very much.  Not only is he mad at the puppy he's mad at me too.  You should see the dirty dog looks i'm getting.  He wants nothing to do with the sweet little puppy's advances to play or snuggle.  I'm hoping that this doesn't last and that in a few days Hammie will adjust. Hopefully he will realize that he hasn't been replaced and that he still has his place in our family. All of this got me to thinking about Alex.  I really think that he is going to have the same reaction to his baby brother or sister minus the getting mad and snapping at the baby of course.  Rite now it's all fun and exciting but when the baby actually gets here I think Alex is going to have a really hard time.  He has been the only child and grandchild for 9 years.  I have no idea how to prepare him for what lays ahead. I guess I need to start doing some research!!  Do you guys have any suggestions?
Happy Tuesday!!

Eating for Two

Last night I had to run to Walgreens to get a few things like trash bags and bottled water.  I waited until after Alex was in bed so I could spend as much time as possible with my little guy.  By the time I headed out I was starving...I knew I should have grabbed a snack before I left the house but I was in a hurry.  Shopping while hungry and pregnant is NOT a good combination.  Anyway just across the way from Walgreens there is a Subway. I love Subway and decided I would take a small detour and grab myself something to eat.  I also decided that it was going to be my little secret.  If I had called the boys at home to see what they wanted not only would it have taken forever to get MY sandwich it would have cost $20 instead of $3.80.  So not only was I saving time I was saving money...or at least that was my justification.  It's not like we didn't have food at home for them to eat. I was just going to starve if I didn't eat right then!! (Justification number 2).  So I go into Subway and decide upon having a 6" meatball sub. Maybe not the most healthy thing in the world to eat at 9 at night but oh was it ever good!  The guy who worked there was super nice.  He looked at me and said with this huge smile on his face "I added a few extra meatballs (Free of charge) on there for you because you are eating for two."  I must of had a weird maybe stunned look on my face because his eyes got huge. Like the oh crap she really isn't pregnant and I have just insulted a customer look.  He then says "You are eating for two right?!"  I couldn't help but laugh and smile the biggest smile ever!!  I told him yes and thank you very much for the extra meat balls. Then our conversation went on from there discussing due dates and the how hot and miserable I was going to be this summer.  He was a super nice guy!  What was even cooler is that someone actually could tell I was pregnant!!!  I couldn't believe it guys! When I was pregnant with Alex no one could tell until I was at least 14-16 weeks and even then my bump was small.  I know that it isn't baby that is showing yet but it's still super uber cool!  I just hope it's normal...I worry about that alot. Is this or that normal. Am I ok? Is the baby ok? I am sure that I am driving Steven crazy. Anyway I got so busted on my subway trip because of course I had to tell my hubby that someone actually knew I was preggo! 
Happy Wednesday!! It's almost the weekend!!

5 weeks!

As of Saturday April 17, 2010 I am five weeks pregnant.  According to all of the great online pregnancy websites this is what is happening to Baby B this week: During the early part of this pregnancy at 5 weeks the central nervous system, muscles, bones and even the heart will begin to form. Early skeletal development is also possible at or around pregnancy week 5.  During the early part of this pregnancy at 5 weeks the central nervous system, muscles, bones and even the heart will begin to form. Early skeletal development is also possible at or around pregnancy week 5. Wow! Lots of things are happening this week.  We have such a long way to go before I hit my second trimester.  Trust me I am counting down the weeks!!  I can't wait to hit that milestone.  I am feeling pretty good for the most part.  I am still extremely tired and my breast are still sore.  I have grown quite a bit in both my chest and stomach area.  My mom was gracious enough to take me bra shopping Sunday....let's just say I have gone up TWO cup sizes!  Yikes!  My pants are really tight and in my opinion I am huge for only being 5 weeks.  Everyone has told me that you get big alot quicker your second pregnancy but come on! By the evening I am so tired and nauseus that all I want to do is go to bed.  Another symptom that I am having that I no I did NOT have while I was pregnant with Alex is I am so thirsty all of the time.  I can't seem to get enough to drink. I am drinking nothing but water and juice now and my thirst is never quenched no matter how much I drink.  I hope this is normal.  I am just loving all of these symptoms even though they may not be pleasant.

Ok so I will end with my five week tummy picture.  I never thought I would have a tummy at five weeks to actually take a picture of!

5 weeks

(Don't mind the toilet in the background....didn't realize how noticeable it was!)

Happy Tuesday!!

Stressed

I am trying not to stress out at the moment.  I no it isn't good for me to worry and that I just need to relax BUT it's really hard.  I am so worried right now about insurance.  We have none.  My job doesn't offer it and my husband's previous job didn't either (he was laid off in November) so we have just been paying out of pocket to go to the doctor.  I guess I assumed that when and if I did get pregnant that we would have this issue figured out by now but we don't.  Here's the kicker....even with my husband being unemployed we still make $200 a month too much to qualify for Sooner Care, which is our states Medicaid program.  Even if I were to take out a policy today I don't think my pregnancy would be covered because of that wonderful thing called a Pre Existing Condition.  How in the heck is pregnancy pre existing?  I hate insurance companies. I hate them with a passion.  My ex-husband suffered from Epilepsy so I have alot of experience dealing with them NOT covering stuff due to "pre-existing".  It was the most frustrating thing I have had to deal with when it comes to medical stuff.  Anyway I know that I have a few weeks until it is really imperitive that I go to my first prenatal visit.  My husbands unemployement is up in four weeks...yep we are really going to be hurting then.  Jobs are scarce around here and we are even considering a move.  However when he doesn't have that money coming in anymore I will qualify I think. He maybe eligible for an extension if the Bill goes thru so i'm really unclear if we will be required to take that money.  We can't just simply quit getting the unemployement rite now just so we can get Sooner Care.  Ugh!!!  I want the best for this baby and with my history I feel like the sooner I go to the doctor the better. So I guess i'm asking you guys to say a prayer!  I know that God is listening and that He will take care of me and this baby. 
Ok enough about that. Whew I feel better to get that off my chest!  So I decided that i'm going to start documenting this pregnancy so I can look back a year from now and remember everything.  I regret not doing that while I was pregnant with Alex.  It's amazing how much you forget!  So I went online and did a due date calculator and according to my last menstrual cycle the baby will be due roughly around December 18, 2010. Wow a Christmas baby! I am about five weeks and I already feel pregnant. I LOVE it!  I have had a few waves of nausea but for the most part it hasn't kicked in full force yet. I was so very sick with Alex and it lasted about two months.  I'm really hoping that I bypass that part but if not that's ok too.  I am extremely tired and let me tell you my boobs are SORE!!!!  I see bra shopping in my near future as well.  So there is about seven weeks until I am in my second trimester.  Those seven weeks can't go by quick enough! Do you guys realize just how many pregnancy websites there are?  It's kinda overwhelming!  Do you have any suggestions as to which one's are better? I have no idea.  Anyway here are som fun due date facts I found yesterday.

• Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius
• Half Birthday: June 18
• Birthstone: Turquoise
• Birth Flower: Narcissus or Holly
• He/she will be born in the Chinese Year of The White Metal Tiger
• This time next year he/she will be 17 weeks old!
• He/she will start kindergarten in 2016, be old enough to drive a car in 2026, finish high school in 2029 (I will be 52 when he/she graduates!) and graduate from college with the class of 2033 give or take a year.

Hope this post makes sense. I am kinda rambling! 
Happy Thursday everyone!!

Guess What?!?!

Yep you are seeing right....we are going to have a BABY!!! (God willing of course) Sorry about the picture quality.  I tried so many times to get a good picture but I was using my cell phone (my regular camera is having a moment!) and it just wasn't coming out very good.  So I took what I could get!  To say that i'm surprised is an understatement.  I mean yes we have been trying for two years with no success BUT this past month was very rocky in our marriage and honestly a baby was the last thing on my mind.  We were both in shock when two lines appeared.  I got a pretty little digital test too that said "pregnant" but of course when I took a picture of it you couldn't even make out the word! I am still very nervous about everything because I have had miscarriages but I am trying to just relax.  I no He has a plan and it's out of my control.  I just want to say thank you to all of you who have been praying for us!!! He listened and answered!!! 

Have a great Tuesday! 

In Honor of Maddie

Around about a year ago today I started reading Heather's  blog.  I became so touched by her and her husband's story that I found myself spreading the story of their daughter Maddie who passed away one year ago today.  I can't even begin to imagine the loss they have suffered.  No parent should ever have to go through something like that ever.  It has made me realize how precious life really is and how in one instant everything can change.  It's amazing how complete and total strangers have changed my life and how one little angel has touched millions!  So today I encourage everyone to visit the March of Dimes Friends of Maddie website and make a donation in her honor!

Happy Wednesday!

New hair!

So Alex has been growing out his hair since last August.  At first it wasn't intentional we just hadn't made it to get a hair cut.  Then after it finally started getting a little length he decided that he really liked his hair a little longer and wanted to see what it would look like even longer.  So much to my dismay I agreed to let him grow out his hair until Summer 2010.  He agreed and we even pinky promised.  However after a few months and as his hair started to get longer and longer I started to really like it!  I didn't want him to cut it and told him that IF he decided he wanted to keep it long thru the summer that I was ok with it and just left the decision up to him.  Up until a few days ago he was still diggin the long hair....until it started getting HOT outside.  I had to giggle when he looked at me and said "Mom, my hair is kinda  hot....I think I wanna cut it."  It was bitter sweet I have to admit. I had kinda grown fond of his beautiful hair. (Don't let him no I said his name and beautiful in the same sentence!)  So without further delay here is the new hair!

Taken rite before she started cutting away...I love the long hair on him!!

She had shaved the sides and back now she is starting on the top. Now that is one heck of a mohawk!

Just a little more....

That's ALOT of hair off of one little head

Is this the same child??

This picture cracks me up. I think he is looking at the guy to his left with the mohawk.

You can see his wheels a turning!!

Finished!!  He got a little fauxhawk...close as he is gonna get rite now!

Happy Tuesday Everyone!!

Happy Easter!!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Easter!!  I will be back next week!

Not Me Monday!

  I decided to plug back in for the day and participate in Not Me Monday over at Mckmama's site.  Head on over there to participate in the fun!!
So here is what I haven't been up to this past week...

• I did not wear my shirt backwards ALL day long only to realize when I saw a few people looking at me weird
• I did not oversleep one day last week.  I didn't wake up at 8:00 a.m. when I have to be to work at 8:30 am.
• I most certainly did not fall over in my chair at work while I was stretching...that would be very embarassing.

What have you guys not done this week?!

Unplugged

Well just when I thought things couldn't get any worse they have. Unfortunately it's not something that I feel is appropriate to blog about at least right now anyway.  So i'm going to take a few days off from posting (guess I will extend my challenge just a few more days into April again!). I just need a break from everything at the moment.  I'm so tired and confused.  Please just send some prayers my way!!  I know that God is holding my hand rite now and that I need to put Him first which I don't do enough.  I am very guilty at "forgetting" to do that....I hope i'm not the only one! 

I hope you all have a great weekend!!!

Trust

Hello my name is Andrea and I have a severe problem trusting men. Whew I feel so much better now that I said that outloud.  May seem insignificant to most people but to me it's a HUGE problem. I am the type of person who doesn't trust anyone from the get go. You have to earn your trust with me and once it's broken it's extremely hard to fix.  I spent years in counseling when I was in my late teens and early twenties trying to figure out why I am the way I am and how to deal with my issues. Did it help?  Maybe a little but my issues like to rear their ugly heads especially when i'm under stress.  I first talked about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mom when I was a child here and I still do plan to talk more about it in hopes of helping others.  Like I said before if what I disclose helps even just one person then I will be so happy!  There are alot of things that happen in my life and my marriage that I don't write about because some things are just meant to be private.  However I talked to my hubby last night and asked if it was ok with him if I told a little of his "story" and he liked the idea.  You see it's this amazing phenonmenon that people who were abused as children unknowingly seek out others that have had the same or similiar experiences.  I don't really understand why this happens but a counselor once told me that nine times out of ten that almost all of your friends will have had a similiar experience as you did growing up. She also said that you may not even realize it and may never realize it because it's not something most people like to talk about or disclose.  It's almost like a secret "club" so to speak.  So about a year ago when my husband broke down and started having repressed memories surface I wasn't the least bit surprised.  Well let me rephrase that...I was shocked at what had happened to him but not shocked that I had married someone who had been abused.  My husband has a long journey to getting better but as he put it "at least i'm with someone who gets me."  What I have tried to explain to him is that you have to deal with what happened to you head on and not sweep it under the carpet.  Everyone is different in how they deal with things but by not dealing your just delaying the healing process.  Are we ever really healed? I'm really not sure. I want to think I am healed but I know i'm not but I am better.  So back to the trust thing...I kind of got sidetracked here didn't I?  I will always have trust issues  and it can be crippling at times. For example when my husband tells me "yes dear I watered the plants" my first thought is no you didn't your lying.  (This is just an example by the way....I don't think I have ever doubted him on simple everyday things.) It doesn't help matters that my first husband was a piece of shit.lying cheater who destroyed my self esteem and trust completely.  Lets just say he makes Tiger Woods look good.  I allowed myself to be emotionally abused by him for six years.  I allowed him to manipulate me and knock me to the very bottom of the Earth.  So now Steven gets the aftershocks which isn't fair.  From the very start of our relationship I have not trusted him at all when it came to other women.  What was so crazy is he had done absolutely nothing to make me doubt his faithfulness.  I had just convinced myself that he was talking to and seeing other women.  So I would snoop.  I would find myself grabbing his phone while he was in the shower and looking at all of his incoming/outgoing calls and text messages.  At the time he worked as a contractor for Dish Network so he made alot of calls to customers but in my mind they weren't customers but other women.  Crazy huh?  I think I even called a few of the numbers just to see who it actually was he was talking to!!  What did I find out? Customers or his male friends NOT other women.  This obsession got worse over time.  I not only was snooping thru his phone I would snoop thru his email as well.  One evening after we had been dating for about 8-10 months I broke down and admitted to him what I had been doing.  He wasn't mad at all and told me that if it made me feel better then I could snoop all I wanted because he had nothing to hide.  That was just it though I didn't want to be that kind of person.  Everyone deserves their own personal space and privacy.  So over the years I have really had to make the effort to not do those kind of things.  It's very hard but I have made huge progress!! I think I am going to do a post soon on what exactly happened to me that made me have such trust issues. It's not just one thing inparticular but a multitude of things.  Right now my husband and I are trying very hard to work through everything but I am not going to sit here and type that things are great.  They aren't great at all but one thing I do know is that we love each other and we "get" one another.  That in itself is great!!
Happy Thursday everyone!

Wordless Wednesday

Can you see Alex?

Random

Well I have to say i'm a little disappointed.  I had challenged myself to blog everyday starting March 4th - April 4th....and I have been m.i.a for the past 3 days.  Not on purpose though!!  My computer went on the fritz and I tried to write a post from my cell phone but for some reason that option isn't available anymore.  Probably just my phone.  It allows me to log in and select new post but it won't actually let me compose anything.  VERY frustrating!!  So I have extended my challenge to April 7th! I guess if this happens again and I miss a day or two I will just make another extension. I REALLY missed reading everyone elses blogs. I have alot of catching up to do today! whew!
We had a pretty uneventful weekend.  Friday it was 73 degrees and by Saturday morning it was 30 and snowing!  We got about 6 inches of snow, which may not be much to those of you who live up north, but it's alot for us.  Luckily it melted pretty quickly and the sun is shining.  Way to pretty to be stuck inside working that's for sure! 
I hope everyone has a wonderful week!!

I would kill to be our dogs for five minutes!

Seriously all my dogs do is eat, sleep, bark, crap, play and lay around being lazy. I would LOVE to be able to do that for just one day.  Not have a care in the world except when I was going to get fed.  I'm pretty sure our dogs don't worry per say.
So two nights ago I was in our bedroom when out on the front porch  I heard the most aweful crying/meowing sound coming from outside the door.  I just had to open that door and see if everything was ok even though I already knew it was a stray cat that wanted us to feed it and take it inside.  Ugh! I DID NOT want another animal let alone a cat.  Don't get me wrong I like cats but I don't like the smell of a cat box or all of the hair they shed. However I also have a big heart and can't stand to see an animal suffering.  This poor cat was starving and was obviously scared.  He wanted to come inside even though there were three barking dogs ready to chase him all around the house.  He didn't care! He just wanted IN!!  I finally got all of the supplies we needed which included a big bag of cat food.  We put a bowl of food and water on a small end table (This is so the dogs won't get it) and he was so happy!!  He kept looking at us in between bites with a look of such appreciation.  Then he ended up sleeping next to his bowl of unfinished food all night.  Made me feel even more sorry for him that he felt he couldn't leave his food because it would "disappear" or something.  So needless to say we have another animal.  Woo hoo!
Oh and by the way today it is so beautiful outside. A high of 73! Tomorrow the high is 32 and it's suppose to snow...gotta love Oklahoma weather.  Have a great weekend!!

Stand off

So the past few days have been really hard. I can honestly say that this has been the hardest relationship issue I have ever had to deal with in my adult life.  I have had several long term relationships and have been married before and well obviously those relationships all ended.  Yes I shed tears and was sad BUT not like this.  The scary thing is that my husband and I are not even ending our marriage or splitting up for good.  It has just felt like it for some reason.  However, last night we talked.  I ran out to his parents house to actually pick up Alex (can't be away from him for that long!) and at first it was awkward.  We didn't really know how to act or what to say to each other.  It's like we both had to much pride or stubborness to admit that we were wrong or to say i'm sorry.  There has been alot of finger pointing and blame.  I don't know how many of you read Mckmama's blog, but yesterday she wrote a post about marriage that made the little light bulb in my brain come on and scream "hello? anybody in here??!!"  I see so clearly now how both my husband and I have been attacking one another like we are at war.  Hateful words can be like road side bombs and eventually lead to the death of a marriage if you are not careful.  I am by no means an expert here but I can see now why my husband wanted to get away.  In all honestly i'm kind of glad he did because I don't know if the light bulb would have come on if I hadn't of taken a step back out of the situation.  So after about five minutes of us standing there in a "stand off" so to speak determined to "win" and stay mad  at each other I caved.  I suddenly didn't care about winning. I mean what exactly was I winning anyway? A divorce? Not exactly my idea of a great prize!!  All I cared about was telling my husband that I loved him and that I was willing to listen to him and actually HEAR what he was saying.  I put my "guns" away and just listened.  I was amazed at what I heard!!  He in turn listened to me and I saw a look of compassion and understanding in his eyes that I haven't seen in a very long time.  Now don't get me wrong we are by no means out of the clear and ok.  There is alot of work that needs to be done to repair the damage caused by those road side bombs.  However, I have a very new outlook on things today and I feel this undescribable peace in my heart.  I know that God has been listening to all of the prayers as well.  Thank you so much!!
I'm happy to say that not only did I bring Alex home last night I brought my husband home too!  There is alot of work to be done and I know that we will probably have more ups than downs at first but we both agreed that we would rather be together thru those tough times than apart.   We both realized last night that we need to end the stand off and stand together!!

Wordless Wednesday!

Weird purses I ran across while browsing the internet!

     

Lovely Keyboard purse

Hmmmm...I dont know whether to laugh or be scared.

I actually like frogs but this one looks kinda mean!

Happy Wordless Wednesday!!!

Heavy heart

I write with a heavy heart today.  My husband and Alex are gone for a few days for spring break and i'm missing them so much.  If things were ok between my husband and I then I would be ok with him going off, but not right now.  Rite now I feel he needs to be home, but he doesn't want to be.  We are not splitting up (or at least if we are i'm not aware of it). I think the exact words out of his mouth is "I think it would be good for us to have a few days apart."  Maybe it would but that's not what I want.  I don't like coming home to an empty house.  Yes, I am very excited for Alex because this is spring break and I want him to have fun.  They went out to my husbands parents house which is way out in the country.  There are tons of fun things to do and the weather is supposed to be perfect this week.  So in that aspect i'm thrilled! Like I told my husband if we were a perfectly happy couple then you going off for a few days wouldn't bother me because I would be secure in our relationship.  I would also know that a part of my husband WASN'T wanting to be away from ME.  Maybe a few days apart will help us I just don't know.  Do you guys think four or five days apart will help?

I'm tired!

Wow it was a long and eventful weekend!  The weather was semi nice so we decided to head out to the country and have a little fun.  Lots of fishing, hiking and adventures!  Alex had such a great time.  I took a few pictures but i'm not quite ready for that post.  Like I said i'm tired and it is Monday!  I am not a big fan of Mondays but who is??  Well I hope everyone has a great week!

Crazy eyes

I always tease my husband about his "crazy" eyes.  He has really large eyes and when he is goofing around or gets surprised they get even bigger.  If you didn't know him you might think he was a little looney!  We may be having our fair share of problems right now, but we still have fun together.  He is my best friend and that will never change.  Only a best friend would let you do this...

See the crazy eyes?  We got bored one nite and he let me do his hair!

His hair had gotten really long (he has since cut if all off). I thought it was very stylish!

This pic is kind of dark but look closely at the eyes...further proof.

The hair night was so much fun.  He now realizes the time it takes to do hair.

What does "In Love" really mean?

Trust me this question has been tossed around between my husband and I ALOT the past several days.  What does it really mean to be "in love" with someone?  Is it defined by the giddy feeling you get when you see that special person?  Is it when you feel butterflies in your stomach? Is it when you sit up all night with them while they are sick and throwing up?  Is it when you listen to their goofy (somewhat boring) stories over and over again just because?  Is it when you kiss them and feel light headed and dizzy? I mean the list could go on and on and on...
I guess you could say i'm doing some soul searching.  To me being in love is a combination of all of those things plus some.  What does it mean to you guys?

Bubble Time!

A few months ago my nephew who is three and my son took a bath together with the "bubble machine" as they like to call it.  It's actually this really cool contraption that I found at a garage sale.  It is supposed to be a "spa" for the tub but we use it to make an enormous amount of bubbles! 

Where's Waldo?

They were having so much fun!

Alex thought the more bubbles that were on his face the better!

Bubble Monster!

Prayer Request

Please say a prayer for these children and families.  There has been an outbreak of bacterial menengitits at an elementary school in Oolagah, Oklahoma which is about 30 minutes North of where I live and two children have already died.  When I hear stories like this it ALWAYS hits close to home.

I love this face!

I love this sweet face!

He always makes me smile!

His sweet smile melts my heart!

Since the day he was born he stole my heart! He is 100% a mama's boy although in a few years I suspect that statement will really embarass him.  For now though he is my baby. My parnter in "crime"!  I love you Boogey!

Spell Check! Calling Mr. Spell Check!

First off thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. You have know idea how much it means!  Today is a better day. I guess I have had a few days to digest everything and I don't feel so shell shocked. I was re-reading my last few posts yesterday afternoon and I just couldn't figure out what was wrong or missing. I knew that when I was typing the word "graphic" that it just didn't look quite rite but I was just not in the mood to dwell on it if you know what I mean.  By the way...what happened to the spell check on here???  I can't find that option ANYWHERE!  Anyway I woke up in the middle of the night last nite and was like oh no. Oh no!! I misspelled graphic.  Really? How can I be worried at 1:00 a.m. that I misspelled a word on my blog.  I'm pretty sure you guys weren't worrying about it!  So the first time I spelled it "graffic" like traffic with a G and the second time I spelled it "grafic" like I was trying to figure out why it looked so weird but just couldn't.  After everything that is going on in my life rite now THIS is what woke me up straight out of bed.  Ok so this is just a random and kinda pointless post but I think it's just what I needed!  I'm still calling for that Mr. Spell Check...where did he go?!

We have come to the conclusion

 So my husband and I have been talking ALOT lately.  We have been disecting our marriage trying to figure out how in the world we have gotten to this point.  How did it happen? When did it happen? How are we going to fix  it?  All of these questions have been swirling in my mind the past couple of days over and over again.  I can't eat or sleep.  I just want to curl up in a tiny ball and go to sleep and hope that when I wake this is all just a bad dream.  I know that isn't going to happen though and that I have to deal with this head on otherwise it won't get better.  It will only get worse and then it may not even be fixable.  How did we end up here? How can two perfectly happy people who want to spend the rest of their lives together end up here??  Why?  I know marriage is hard work and there are ups and downs. I knew that at some point one of us would be unhappy and would need the other one to carry us through.  Am I strong enough to carry my husband through this? I just don't know.  I would like to think that I am, but at the moment I don't feel very strong. I feel weak and sad.  My husband is such a kind person and doesn't like to say or do anything that will hurt someone else.  It's almost to the point where it is a fault of his.  So instead of coming to me months ago and talking to me about his feelings he just pretended that everything was ok.  I guess he hoped that it would get better and that his feelings would change.  He just simply did not want to hurt me by telling me the truth about how he was feeling towards me and now we are in trouble.  I knew something was wrong and off. I just never imagined it would be this.  I basically begged him to tell me what was going on. I told him that it might hurt me but lying would hurt me worse.  No there has been no affair or anything like that. Not yet anyway.  I'm not saying my husband is the type of person who cheats, but I think everyone is capable of it given the right situation.  So after alot of begging and pleading he finally broke down in tears and told me "I'm not in love with you anymore."  He said he loves me but isn't "in love" and hasn't been for quite some time now.  He said it feels like he is living with his best friend.  So you can only assume from there that all physical attraction is gone as well.  When I asked him if he was sexually attracted to me anymore the answer was no.  Talk about feeling like a hundred knives were being stabbed into my heart.  I think that was the hardest thing to hear.  I already knew the answer before I asked because of certain things that had happened.  I won't go into grafic detail here, but you can probably guess.  Let's just say his tools won't work sometimes because it's just simply NOT there for him anymore.  It's all gone.  How did this happen??? How do we fix it?? Neither one of us want to throw in the towel on our marriage.  Divorce is not even on the table but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared shitless that it may happen.  We are definitely open to marriage counseling but unfortunately rite now we just can't afford it because of him losing his job.  To top it all off my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother again have pretty much been put on the back burner for good.  I mean first off it's kinda hard to make a baby with broken tools and secondly is it fair to even think about bringing a baby into a broken marriage?  Just think a few days ago my biggest concern was infertility (not making light of infertility at all but to me that seems like something I can wrap my arms around).  So that is the conclusion that we have come to and we have no idea what to do now.  At least it's out in the open and that in itself makes me feel a little better. 

I feel lost

I have been up half the night trying to decide whether or not to share this with everyone.  Not that I have a huge reader base but still this is kinda private.  However, I always feel better when I write down what i'm thinking and feeling.  I could also use a few prayers!  My husband and I are having some major problems and to be honest with you I have NO idea what to do.  I'm feel so lost and sad.  I love him with all of my heart and soul.  He is my soulmate if you believe in that sort of stuff.  I have known that things have been off for quite some time. I just didn't know what exactly was wrong.  I could just FEEL that something was going terribly wrong yet no matter how hard I tried to wrap my arms around the problem I just kept slipping.  We were holding hands at one point on this journey and now I feel like he has let my hand go and i'm lost like a little kid in a huge amusement park.  What do I do? We have been married almost two years and together for almost five.  We have been friends for eight years and to be honest I can't imagine my life without him.  Yet I feel like he is already gone.  I won't go into graffic details yet as to what has been discussed or said but let me tell you it's NOT good.  It also has NOTHING to do with the way I feel but how he feels. Not good I tell ya.  I know marriage is hard and you have to fight.  I also know that at any given point one of you can fall "out of love".  I have always told Steven that we can't both fall out of love at the SAME time.  Don't you think that is just a recipe for disaster? 
I am praying that we can soldier through this rough patch and come out a stronger and healthier couple.  At the moment though i'm just so uncertain and feel very lost.

I can feel it

I can feel springs rite around the corner!!!!  Woo hooo I LOVE spring time.  I love the warm weather and the spring storms. I love the time change and getting an extra hour of daylight.  I love going to the park after I get home from work or going on a bike ride with my son. The three of us love to watch storms and storm "chase."  I live in Oklahoma so we are right in the middle of Tornado alley.  We don't get tornados very often, but there are watches or warnings nearly everyday during this time.  The devastation of a tornado is not something to joke about and is certainly not fun but the thrill of chasing a storm or just watching it pass over is extremely exciting.  When I say storm I don't mean tornado. Oh no I would be in my basement if a tornado was actually passing over!!  I have actually only seen a handful of tornados in my lifetime and that is enough.  What about you guys? Do you like Spring? Do you like to watch storms? Do you have tornados where you live?  If not what other kind of natural disatures do you have to worry about?

Reminders

Friday at lunch I had to go to the post office for my job.  By the way I HATE the post office.  Line out the door and one worker = a forty five minute wait.  I don't know why I let it bother me it's not like i'm not getting paid to stand in line and wait.  Who likes to wait though even if they are getting paid?  Super uber annoying!  Anyway while I was standing there waiting I heard the most precious laugh I hadn't heard in along time.  You know that sweet little  belly laugh that seems to happen right around when a baby is 6-9 months?  So I looked over and noticed a mother standing in line hold her precious little baby girl who was just laughing  away at what i'm still not too sure.  I couldn't help but look for a minute and laugh myself.  Then I remembered Alex at that age...oh how it seems just like yesterday and now in two months he will be 9! Everyone tells you that you "forget" your child ever being that small.  I never knew what that meant until he started growing up.  I always just shook my head but inside I was like "whatever I will NEVER forget this!"  Well hmmm you do forget! I mean you KNOW they were that small, but you just simply forget what it felt like to hold them.  So then a few minutes after I had my Alex flash back I of course started feeling sorry for myself.  I started longing to hold a baby once again and hear that sweet belly laugh.  Then something popped into my head that I have never really given much though to and it made me very sad.  What if I never have a baby? What if Alex never has a sibling that he can become close to?  How sad would that be? Luckily I was snapped back to reality before things got too ugly when the counter lady said "next!".  Whew saved by the bell so to speak.  I guess i'm doing a little better...I haven't had a pity party since here.  Yay!
Well I hope you guys had a great weekend!! 

Pictures count as a post rite?

I love my family!!!!

Wow has he changed or what?!  My baby is growing up...

Well I hope everyone had a great weekend!  We are just enjoying spending time together and playing outside in this beautiful weather we are having!!

Simple pleasure

I love this picture. I think his face says it all!

How did I forget?

How did I forget to ask the doctor about Clomid while I was at my appointment  when that was the whole point of going??  Well maybe not the whole point but it was a big reason I went.  How did I sit there for over an hour and simply forget? I just don't know...wow maybe I really am getting old.  Oh well I plan to make another appointment soon.  I tried calling just to see if maybe by chance that would be something that could be called in..ha ha ha. Not a chance!  I'm convinced they just want my moolah.

Oh yes, before I forget, head on over to the Smith Family Scoop to see how you can participate in the Carnival that is being held for sweet little Gavin's medical fund!!

Have a blessed weekend!!

Challenge

I love blogging.  I love everything about it...the writing, the freedom to express my thoughts, the friends I have made and most of all I love reading your stories!  I'm kinda lazy though when it comes to the actual writing part.  I have good intentions, but somehow someway life just happens and I don't make time.  So I am challenging myself.  Today is March 4th and I am planning to write a post each and every single day until April 4th.  Who knows maybe I might even surprise myself and write a couple of posts a day here and there!  How about you guys? Up for the challenge?!

Hope

I am hoping this month is the month I see two lines. I'm praying this is the month I see two lines.  Do I have faith that I will see two lines?? Not really.  Hmmm are hope and praying the same as faith?  I have never thought about it this way. I mean if I have faith in God while i'm praying then I should have faith right?  Ugh I don't know the answer. 

Please say a Prayer

Over the last several months I have followed Jenn's blog and her story is heartbreaking.  It hits so close to home to me I think because her son and my son are so close in age.  I just can not fathom what her and her husband are going thru.  I thank God everyday for my son.  I know at any moment he could be taken home but I am selfish. I want Alex here with me for as long as possible.  No parent should EVER have to bury their child. It's just not fair.  When I started out reading blogs about two years ago I never imagined all of the stories I would come across.  All of the heartache I would read.  It really has made me realize how lucky I am and I feel so blessed.  However I know that I could just as easily be one of the people that I am reading about.  I realize now how easily things can change in just an instant.  Things may not be perfect in my life rite now. They are actually very far from it, but I am so thankful that for the most part everyone in my family is healthy.  I really needed a perspective check today! I was having quite the pity party! Hope everyone has a great week!!

Back in the Day

Back in the day I was a really good runner.  I started running when I was in the 8th grade and continued throughout my high school and college career.  I actually hated to run, but I loved to win so that in itself kept me motivated.  Well to make a long story short I did really well in both track and cross country, won lots of medals, won the state championship in 1994 and got a scholarship to college.  Then I got injured and burnt out and really haven't ran since 2000.  Anyways you can only imagine how out of shape I really am!  So the other day I took Alex to the local community center to work out with me and we decided to walk around the indoor track.  Of course Alex couldn't stand to walk for long and before I knew it he was doing circles around me.  Me being the competitive person that I am tried to keep up with him only to about fall over from pure exhaution.  Very embarassing to say the least.  At one point he stops next to me and places his hand on my back and our conversation went a little something like this:

Alex:  Mom are you ok?
Me: Whew. Yes I'm ok just really out of shape and tired.
Alex: Mom come on you can do it.  You gotta get back into running.
Me: Honey, I am trying I just don't think I can do it.
Alex: (as he pats my back and looks at me with the sweetest most sincere look I have ever seen) Mom you are a champion.  I know you can do it. Remember all of the medals you have at home? You are a champion!! Come on you can do it!!

What does a mom say to that? Well I got my tired butt in gear and ran a few more laps with a big smile on my face...after all I didn't want him to think that a champion would quit and give up! I may not be a champion to the rest of the world, but I am to him!

Time to get Serious

So I have decided that it's time to get serious about this whole pregnancy thing.  I mean really serious.  I will be 33 in April and have realized no that's not old, BUT my baby making years are passing by fast.   Ok not that I haven't been taking it serious for the past 2 years, but there are several things we haven't tried.  I am going to the doctor Thursday and plan to ask about Clomid and see what other options are availble in that department.  I have started that wonderful thing we call a period today so I thought what better time to get serious. We are starting fresh this month with a whole new positive outlook on things.  Wish me luck!!

Not Me Monday!

Wow it has been ALONG time since I have participated in Not Me Monday as you can see here.  It is so much fun so I thought today I would come out of Not Me Monday hiding.  You can go to Mckmama's site and read so many great posts as well as put your Not Me post up on Mr. Linky!

• I did not go to the grocery store Saturday night in my pajamas and hair rollers...that would be really embarassing
• I certainly did not let my son stay up until 10:30 on a school night watching a movie just because he told me I was "the best mom in the entire world".
• I did not drink 3 Dr. Peppers and eat half a bag of Sour Cream and Onion chips in roughly an hour and then wonder why I have gained weight.
• I did not laugh until I couldn't breathe when my husband fell while we were roller skating.  Not me! A loving caring wife would have ran over to make sure he was ok.

Well I feel better!  So what did you guys NOT do this past week?

Confessions

Ok so I am pretty much the most terrible person in the world. Or at least that is the way I feel. A little over a year ago I had a miscarriage. At the same time my sister in law found out she was pregnant as well and went on to give birth to my beautiful neice. How does this make me a terrible person you ask? Well we are babysitting my neice and nephew this weekend and I can't help have feelings of hurt and anger when I see this beautiful child. Isn't that just wrong??? I feel like crap for feeling this way. I'm not personally angry at her at all. I love her and enjoy spending time with her. However last nite I found myself unable to cope with my feelings. I became upset and overwhelmed with guilt that I was feeling this way. It got so bad at one point that I was in tears and screaming at my husband for no apparant reason. He looked at me baffled and had no idea what was wrong with me. To make it even worse you no what I said? I told him to just go away and that he hadn't been the one who had had three miscarriages. That didn't go over so well. Once I had a minute to calm dow I realized how utterly stupid I was being and that yes my husband had suffered three miscarriages rite along with me. Boy did I feel like a real putz. Luckily I have the most forgiving husband on the planet (in my biased opinion anyways) and he didn't stay mad at me long. He knows just when to step in and let me have a little time to regroup. He immediately took over with the kids and told me to go relax in a hot bath. Yes I feel very lucky to have married this man. So this morning I am feeling alot better about things. It is so strange how these emotions come in waves. They lay dormant for months at a time and then without a moments notice they rear their ugly head. Will it ever get better?
(sidenote: sorry for any misspellings....I am writing this from my cell phone and my back button is stuck so I can't fix things.)

Life's Simple Pleasures

I just visited Kelly's Korner (which by the way I just adore her blog) and she has a cool post up and I thought I would participate. It's been awhile since I have participated in something fun on my blog. There are so many simple pleasures in my life that sometimes I take for granted. Hopefully this will be a reminder to all of us that sometimes we just need to slow down and enjoy life's Simple Pleasures! So here goes my list in no particular order:

• Making a pallet on the floor and watching movies with Alex
• Going in Alex's room at night and watching him sleep...he looks so sweet and peaceful.
• The way the air smells right before it's going to rain
• Watching my sweet dog Hammie roll around on his back and make weird noises (cracks me up every time!)
• Going on a walk with my family and talking about anything and everything
• Hitting the snooze button in the mornings
• Talking on the phone
• The sound of thunder and rain
• The fact that Alex still thinks i'm cool
• Warm summer nights
• Mt. Dew (or sprite) with fresh strawberries in it
• Burritos with sour cream
• The feeling you get when you first fall in love
• Alex's adorable little feet. I have loved them since day 1!! Some may think that's weird, but I just love his cute feet!
• The way my husband looks at me when I do something silly

Oh how the list can go on and on!! Here are just a few of my Simple Pleasures in life. How about you guys?

I am still here!

Wow it's been ALONG time since my last post. I don't know what happened but time just kind of slipped by. The Holidays went really well. We had such a great time being with family and Santa was super good to Alex this year. I love Christmas and all of the magic that comes along with it!! I have a ton of pictures to post (we finally got a new camera last month!).

As far as the whole getting pregnant thing goes....no major news flash when I say that i'm still not pregnant. Actually we have kind of taken a break from trying this past month. I just couldn't take anymore and needed a break. Don't get me wrong i'm still hoping and praying that it happens. It's just when we are trying I get a little obsessed right around the time my period should be due and start taking pregnancy tests like a mad woman. I'm sure you guys know what I mean when I say "I think I see a faint line. Is that a line???" I just couldn't do it this month!! By the way I really hate pregnancy tests.

Ok not that I have a huge reader base or anything, but I was wondering if any of you have any experience with the fertility drug Clomid. Many moons ago I took it for about a month, then my ex-husband decided to start acting like an total ass and we split up so I obviously quit taking it. I don't even think it had time to work. Back then I didn't even think I had problems with fertility. I just whined to my OB that I hadn't gotten pregnant in about a months time and she said well let's try this and see how it works. Have any of you ever tried it? Did it work? Are there any terrible side affects? Does it increase your chance of having multiples? I seem to remember my doctor saying it didn't, but I'm not sure! I would sure appreciate any information you guys have to offer!

Well I better get back to the grind of things and actually work! Have a great Tuesday guys!